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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23885524">to fresh new starts and wish you wells</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectopatronuz/pseuds/expectopatronuz'>expectopatronuz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Football, Alternate Universe - Sports, Childhood Friends, Exes to Lovers, Lots of alcohol, M/M, Panic Attacks, mentions of vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:27:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23885524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectopatronuz/pseuds/expectopatronuz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>The thing is, he is fine. He has been fine, and everything that happened with Calum happened so long ago that it doesn’t feel sharp anymore. He still thinks about it sometimes, but not in a deliberate, conscious way. He’s grown up so much, and sure, he’s 22 and he hasn’t been in a relationship since he was 17, and yeah, sometimes that’s kind of lonely, but he loves his friends and his career and things are good.</em>
</p><p>or, Michael is the lead guitarist in 5 Seconds of Summer, and Calum is a star football player</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-lMLo11TUc">wildfire</a> by marianas trench</p><p>come talk to me on <a href="https://calumsclifford.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael is really, really drunk.</p><p>He’s not good at events like these. He doesn’t like mingling with famous people. He especially doesn’t like mingling with famous people alone, and the other two members of his band abandoned him awhile ago to go make out in the coat check closet or to talk to some rock legend or something.</p><p>Michael still doesn’t know why they get invited to big celebrity events. He most certainly is not a celebrity. Some people know their band, sure, especially since <em>Youngblood</em> came out, but they’re not movie stars. They’re not One Direction. They can sell out arenas, but their fanbase is kind of isolated from Hollywood media. At least, Michael thinks they are. He doesn’t have paparazzi following him around LA, or even London. Plus, he always acts like an idiot and embarrasses himself, so he just shouldn’t be invited anymore.</p><p>But he was invited, so here he is. He’s had a few cocktails while he made small talk with a BBC radio host that the band has done a few interviews with, and he’s done a couple of shots with Niall Horan, and he’s tripped over his feet while walking past a Spice Girl, and he’s done a couple more shots to get over the humiliation, and he’s chugged a beer with a music producer he’s worked with, and he’s ordered another cocktail because he’s run out of vague acquaintances to talk to.</p><p>He’s really drunk, and it’s definitely time to find Luke and Ashton.</p><p>Michael starts to weave his way through the groups of people standing and talking, steady enough but growing increasingly warm and nauseous. He checks the coat check closet, but it’s empty, and he checks the bathrooms, but they’re not there either. He sends a text to each of them and starts to make his way back to check by the bar. He’s right in the middle of the room when he hears a laugh, and he freezes.</p><p>Because it’s not. It can’t be, it’s not possible. Except in theory it is, and everything is going cold and warm and Michael can’t do this, he absolutely can’t, he’s going to be sick, except he has to, he needs to know. He turns his head slowly, following the laughter, and there he is.</p><p>Calum Hood looks really good. He’s wearing a black suit with a black dress shirt, all wonderfully long legs and pink lips and fluffy hair. He’s tilted his head back to laugh, and his neck is long and soft and inviting, and Michael can almost taste it, can feel it like it was yesterday.</p><p>Michael wants to turn away, move, keep looking for Ashton and Luke or just leave on his own, anything. He can’t do this.</p><p>Calum starts to shift as someone else walks up to him, begins to turn to greet a guy that Michael thinks is a sports reporter. But as he does, he catches sight of Michael, standing there like an idiot, warm and red from the alcohol, staring.</p><p>Calum stills. His expression goes blank, and Michael swallows the familiar lump in his throat. They’re far enough apart that people are passing between them, but they keep looking at each other. Michael is breathing hard and he really thinks he might be sick for a second, when Calum’s face softens marginally, just enough for Michael to catch it, and only because it’s Michael.</p><p>But it’s enough. Michael shakes his head, slow and small at first, at himself, then he looks away and shakes more frantically. He can’t do this.</p><p>He flees. He turns and pushes his way through everyone, back to the coat check closest. The attendant gives him a weird look as he nearly runs in, but leaves him be. He slumps onto the ground, sits with his knees drawn high and his head buried in his arms. He doesn’t cry, and he doesn’t get sick. He breathes and breathes and breathes and finally his phone buzzes with a text from Ashton.</p><p>He doesn’t read it, just replies with his location and requests they come find him.</p><p>After a short while, Luke does.</p><p>“Michael—” Luke says gently, and bends down to rub a hand on his back.</p><p>“Did you know he was here?”</p><p>“Not until just now. We saw when we came back through.”</p><p>Michael nods into his arms. “I don’t think I can get up.”</p><p>“You can get up, come on.”</p><p>Luke pulls at Michael’s arms until he’s kind of standing and tucks him into his shoulder, wraps his arm around Michael.</p><p>“Ashton is calling us a car, we just have to make it to the door.” Luke starts to lead him, and Michael shakes his head into Luke’s neck, turning so that Luke is just holding him up.</p><p>“I can’t.”</p><p>“He’s on the other side of the room, you won’t see him.”</p><p>“You’re sure?” Michael says pathetically. He knows it’s pathetic. He has absolutely no reason to be so affected. But he just can’t.</p><p>“I’m sure.” Luke rubs Michael’s back. “Breathe with me a few seconds?”</p><p>Michael nods and follows Luke’s breathing, until he looks a bit better, probably. Then Luke pulls back to see Michael’s face but keeps his arms around him.</p><p>“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Luke says, “We’re going to walk out to the doors. You won’t see Calum, because you’re not going to look for him, and he’s on the other side of the room. You’re not going to puke, at least until we get to the car. Okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Michael straightens a bit, and Luke smiles encouragingly. Luke brings one arm back around Michael and guides him out of the coat check room. He keeps his eyes on the floor because it’s safer and he trusts Luke, even if it makes him a bit nauseous.</p><p>Luke falters a step, and then a voice. “Is he okay?”</p><p>Michael keeps his eyes firmly on the ground. This is not happening.</p><p>“He’s fine,” Luke says sharply. He tightens his grip and Michael leans into it.</p><p>“Is there anything I can do?”</p><p>Luke just laughs a short, mean laugh.</p><p>Michael hears Calum sigh, but Luke guides him away, speeding a bit. Once they’re presumably out of earshot, Luke begins to speak softly into his ear.</p><p>“He’s gone, you’re okay, we’re almost there, you’re not going to puke, I’ve got you,” and it goes on until Michael feels the cool night air on his face, and he finally looks up.</p><p>He turns to Luke and Luke sighs, and pushes Michael towards a bin before he can vomit on his shoes.</p><p> </p><p>Michael wakes with a dry mouth and a sore neck from the night on Luke and Ashton’s hotel suite couch. He kicks his legs to untangle from the duvet and he tries to convince himself, for a moment, that he was drunk enough to have forgotten the night before.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>Michael turns, and Ashton is sitting across from him. There’s a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on the coffee table.</p><p>“Hungover,” Michael says and props himself up a bit to swallow a couple of pills.</p><p>“I meant about the other thing.”</p><p>“What other thing?” Michael sets the glass back down and Ashton huffs. “Fine, whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.”</p><p>“You really didn’t seem fine—”</p><p>“I drank too much. I was just sick.”</p><p>“You cried in the car on the way home. The whole ride. You wouldn’t talk to us.”</p><p>Maybe Michael was drunk enough to have forgotten some of the night before. “Was the shock, probably. Don’t remember that part.”</p><p>“Michael—” Ashton’s voice goes all soft and sympathetic and sweet, which Michael absolutely will not accept.</p><p>“Did anyone famous see me puke?”</p><p>Ashton hesitates for a second, deciding if he’s going to let the conversation die. Michael pleads with his eyes, and Ashton relents. “I don’t think so, but Luke said the doorman had his phone out, so there might be pictures.”</p><p>Michael groans and lifts the duvet to cover his face. “Why do you make me go to those things?”</p><p>“You could just – not drink at them.”</p><p>Michael huffs and ignores this. “Where’s my phone? I need to check Twitter.”</p><p>“Uh—”</p><p>Michael rips the duvet away from his face and sits, a bit too quickly. “What is it?”</p><p>“Nothing, Luke has it, it’s fine—” but it’s not fine, because Ashton is using his <em>things are bad</em> voice.</p><p>“What happened? Did I say something really dumb? Am I cancelled?”</p><p>“You’re not cancelled, it’s nothing like that—”</p><p>“Then what is it?”</p><p>“Could you just <em>for once</em> trust me?”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>Ashton doesn’t answer, so Michael hauls himself up and takes off for Luke and Ashton’s room.</p><p>“Luke!”</p><p>“Come back here!” Ashton calls, coming after him.</p><p>Luke is in bed on his own phone, and Michael throws himself on top of him. Luke lets off a surprised “oof” and Michael grabs Luke’s phone, then runs into the ensuite bathroom and locks the door.</p><p>“Michael, get out of there,” Ashton calls from outside the door, but Michael ignores him and opens Twitter.</p><p>“I told you we should have just told him,” Luke grumbles, and Michael searches his Twitter handle.</p><p>It comes up right away, two tweets from this morning.</p><p>The first, with Michael’s, Ashton’s, Luke’s, and the band’s official handle all tagged, reads “Nice to see the 5sos boys last night! Been a long time!”</p><p>The second, tweeted directly at Michael and only Michael, says “How long are you in London? We should catch up!”</p><p>Michael stares for a long, long time. He clicks on Calum’s icon – a professional shot from a game, presumably. He’s in the air, mid kick. It’s a nice photo.</p><p>Michael opens the door, and Luke and Ashton give him these sad, concerned looks.</p><p>“It’s really not that bad,” Michael says and hands Luke his phone. He pushes through them and crawls into the middle of the bed, half-hoping that one or both of them will come cuddle him.</p><p>Michael can tell that they’re having one of their silent conversations behind him, so he waits. He thinks about what he’s going to say to his mum, because she definitely will have heard about the tweets.</p><p>Ashton and Luke finally finish staring at each other and join him on the bed. Luke crawls over him so that they’re sitting on either side. Ashton rubs his back and Luke pets his hair, like they used to back when Calum first left and everything was falling apart. Horribly, Michael’s eyes start to sting, not because of Calum, but because of these two wonderful boys, the best friends he could have possibly asked for, that keep holding him together, again and again, even after all this time.</p><p>“We can tell him to take the tweets down, if that’s what you want,” Luke says.</p><p>“Yeah, he had absolutely no right to do that,” Ashton adds, and Michael shakes his head.</p><p>“That won’t look good, I have to respond.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do anything, not for him,” Ashton’s voice gets a bit hard and protective, and Michael has to blink back a fresh wave of tears.</p><p>“It’s not for him, it’s for us. It’ll look like we think we’re too good for football players or something if we ignore him.”</p><p>“I don’t care, we don’t care,” Luke says, and slides down so that he’s laying next to Michael and can see his face. “We care about you, people can think whatever they want.”</p><p>“I’ll just – I’ll say that we’re leaving town soon but maybe next time.”</p><p>“You don’t have to,” Ashton says.</p><p>“I know, but I will anyways.”</p><p>They don’t try to talk him out of it, and they don’t push him. Ashton keeps rubbing his back and Luke keeps running his fingers through Michael’s hair and they let him close his eyes and pretend that he doesn’t need this as much as he definitely does.</p><p> </p><p>They sleep a little, Michael curled up in the middle. He feels a lot better when he wakes up, a lot clearer. He hadn’t realized how shaken he had really been. Because the thing is, he is fine. He has been fine, and everything that happened with Calum happened so long ago that it doesn’t feel sharp anymore. He still thinks about it sometimes, but not in a deliberate, conscious way. He’s grown up so much, and sure, he’s 22 and he hasn’t been in a relationship since he was 17, and yeah, sometimes that’s kind of lonely, but he loves his friends and his career and things are good.</p><p>Ashton’s gone, Michael can hear him clanking around in the kitchen. Luke is still in bed though, and at some point while he was sleeping, Michael had tucked himself into Luke’s side with his face buried in Luke’s shoulder. Luke’s awake, scrolling on his phone with his left hand so that he doesn’t disturb Michael.</p><p>“Is that Twitter?” Michael asks, and Luke hums an affirmative. “Anything new from him?”</p><p>“No, still just the two from before.”</p><p>“Alright, where’s my phone?”</p><p>Luke pulls away to reach into the beside table drawer and comes back with Michael’s phone. He stretches his arm out so that Michael can curl in again, but he doesn’t comment on it. Michael loves him so, so much.</p><p>The first thing Michael does is text his mum. She’s sent him a dozen messages, concern rising throughout the morning and early afternoon. He lets her know that he’s fine and that he’ll call her later, then he opens up his Twitter. He sees that Calum’s following him.</p><p>He doesn’t think much about his tweet, types out “it was nice to see you too! We’re just about to head out of town but maybe next time” and reads it over only once before posting. Likes and replies start to come in immediately, but that’s normal for him. He passes the phone to Luke so that he can look.</p><p>“It’s good. Polite, but distant and generic. Very mature of you,” Luke goes to hand Michael the phone back, but he shakes his head.</p><p>“I don’t want to see if he replies. Not today at least.”</p><p>Luke nods and sets the phone on the bedside table.</p><p>“Are the fans saying anything about it?”</p><p>“Yeah, but nothing bad. Just asking how you know each other, if you support his team, stuff like that.”</p><p>"Do you think they’ll figure it out?”</p><p>Luke hesitates just long enough for Michael to notice. “No, no. I don’t see how they could.”</p><p>“Okay,” Michael says, and Luke tightens his arm around Michael in a half hug.</p><p>“We’re with you no matter what happens. We’re on your side, always.”</p><p>“I know, thank you.”</p><p>They lay quietly for a few minutes, until Ashton calls them to eat.</p><p>Once they’re sitting at the table and Michael is shovelling stir fry into his mouth, Ashton puts on his serious voice.</p><p>“I phoned Ben while I was cooking, you and Luke are flying back to LA tomorrow, now. I’ll be over on Tuesday, just have to wrap up a couple of meetings.”</p><p>Michael goes soft. “You didn’t have to do that, Ash.”</p><p>“I know, but—” Ashton shrugs and smiles and they go back to eating, and Luke talks about the new song concept he’s been playing around with and Ashton talks about a conversation he had with his sister earlier in the day and Michael tells them about the Spice Girl he tripped in front of, and they laugh at him but it feels good, and he’s laughing too.</p><p> </p><p>Strangely, things go back to normal.</p><p>Michael stays at Luke and Ashton’s when he and Luke get home, but only because he always stays at Luke and Ashton’s when one of them is away. They go into the studio to work on the song Luke has been writing, and it goes really well.</p><p>Michael goes back to his place when Ashton gets back a few days later, even though they ask him to stay.</p><p>“Really, guys,” he tells them, over and over, “I’m okay.”</p><p>And he is, which is a revelation. For the past six years, Michael has been convinced that seeing Calum in person again would ruin him. It had shaken him, and the night of was pretty shit, but he’s really feeling normal. He wouldn’t jump at the chance to see him again, but he thinks he could manage it, probably.</p><p>July passes quickly. They rehearse for tour, and they work on new stuff, and Michael spends time with his non-band friends, and he calls him mum a lot, because she’s still a bit worried. He doesn’t hear from any football players, and no one brings it up in interviews. It’s almost like it never even happened.</p><p>Almost, except not quite. Because Michael caved to non-existent pressure to follow Calum back, and now he shows up on his Twitter, not everyday but a couple of times a week, at least. It doesn’t hurt, exactly. Not like Michael thought that it would. It stings, it bites at him. It feels wrong, like things weren’t supposed to be this way.</p><p>Calum DM’s him a couple of times, but Michael ignores them, and he doesn’t tell Luke and Ashton about it. The first was too stiff and made Michael feel a bit sick; “Thanks for the follow! It would be great to catch up sometime!”. The second came a week later and was closer to a Calum that Michael remembers, which is actually worse; “I’ve been listening to All Time Low today and I thought of you. I’m sorry for how things went at that BBC thing and I just want you to know that I’ve missed you.”</p><p>Michael doesn’t reply but he reads it a lot, and it spurs a deep dive that he’s managed to resist all these years.</p><p>He learns about the scout that picked Calum out of the group of boys at that football camp in Brazil, and the junior English team that he played for while he finished secondary school. He learns about how he was signed to Crystal Palace and traded to Chelsea after a couple of years. He reads interviews and watches highlight reels, to which he can’t help but feel lingering pride. Calum has always been so talented, and Michael always knew he would get somewhere.</p><p>After finding no mentions during his casual searching, Michael finally looks up “Calum Hood dating history” but there really isn’t much out there. He apparently dated a British girl sometime around 2016, but the only thing Michael can find out about her is that she was in university studying psychology at the time. There are no photos of them and no mentions in any interviews, only the generic fact spread across a couple of fan sites and gossip blogs.</p><p>Michael wonders if Calum has ever looked up <em>his</em> dating history. Its elaborate, mostly rumors or exaggerations, no real relationships, but the media thought that there were, a couple of times. He hopes that Calum hasn’t looked it up, even though it doesn’t matter.</p><p>Once 5 Seconds of Summer start their tour, Michael has less time to obsess over it, but only slightly so.</p><p> </p><p>Ashton and Luke throw a party after their show in LA, the last show of the North American leg of the tour. It’s obnoxious and Michael gets way too drunk, and he ends up making out with the friend of a friend of the drummer of their opening act. Michael tries to take him up to a bedroom, but Luke notices the guy’s fluffy brown hair and slender build and intervenes.</p><p>Michael wakes up in their guest room the next morning, alone, and feels shitty about it. He stomps down to the kitchen, where Ashton is cooking and Luke is sitting on a barstool with his head resting over his folded arms.</p><p>“You horrible uptight cockblock,” he looks around and picks up a pepper slice from Ashton’s cutting board and throws it at Luke’s head. “I’m the only one in the band who didn’t get any last night and it’s your fault.”</p><p>“That would have been a mistake,” Luke flicks the pepper from where it’s landed in front of his face. “I was helping.”</p><p>“I’m an adult, I can make whatever mistakes I want.”</p><p>“Not that one,” Luke finally lifts his head and swivels his stool to face Michael.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because he looked exactly like—”</p><p>“No, he didn’t.”</p><p>“He did, right, Ash?” Luke doesn’t look back at Ashton, whose face has settled into an uncomfortable expression.</p><p>“Well, I didn’t notice if he did, which speaks for itself, I think," Michael says.</p><p>“You also didn’t need me to tell you who he looked like, which speaks for itself, I think,” Luke’s voice goes mocking at the end, and Michael reaches for another pepper to throw, but Ashton slaps his hand down.</p><p>“You’re a fucking dick, Luke Hemmings,” Michael says, only he kind of yells, and he turns to storm back to his guest room.</p><p>He hears Ashton sigh heavily, and mumble “but I made breakfast,” before he slams the door.</p><p>He sulks for a bit, but not for very long. There’s a knock on the door and it opens before Michael has a chance to say anything. Luke holds out a plate, appropriately tentative.</p><p>“Omelette?”</p><p>“Yeah, fine,” Michael says, so Luke sits next to him, back against the headboard.</p><p>Michael takes the plate and eats staring straight ahead. He finishes and sets his plate on the bedside table before Luke finally says anything.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Did Ashton make you apologize?” Michael bites out, but he feels a little bad when he sees Luke wince.</p><p>“That’s not fair.”</p><p>Michael sits with that for a moment. “You’re right, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for calling you a dick. And for calling you a horrible uptight cockblock.”</p><p>“It’s alright,” Luke drapes his arm over Michael’s shoulders, and it’s all fine again. This is how they’ve always been, ever since Calum convinced them to not hate each other back in school.</p><p>“I just – I can take care of myself. You know that right?”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Do you? Because – because I’ve been fine.”</p><p>“It’s just hard to forget.”</p><p>“What’s hard to forget?” Michael asks before he can stop himself, and quickly realizes that he probably doesn’t want to know the answer.</p><p>“How awful it was when he left you.”</p><p>“I was there, I remember.”</p><p>“I’m not sure that you really do,” Luke says. “You act like it was just a breakup, but it was – it was so much worse than that.”</p><p>“It was a long time ago, though.”</p><p>“It doesn’t feel like it. Not for me.”</p><p>Michael looks at Luke and tries to remember what he’s remembering, but nothing comes. Michael remembers crying on his mum’s shoulder. He remembers Ashton and Luke, cuddling him in from either side. He remembers sleeping, a lot.</p><p>“Thank you for being there for me,” he says, instead of asking what he’s forgetting.</p><p>“You were my best friend,” Luke says, giving Michael a meaningful look because until Calum left, Luke had not been Michael’s. “You still are.”</p><p>“You’re mine, too.”</p><p>“I’m going to go tell Ashton we made up,” Luke holds his hand out and Michael passes him the plate. “Want me to come back?”</p><p>Michael shakes his head. “I really am okay. I promise.”</p><p>Luke smiles and gets up, shuts his door on the way out. Once Michael hears his footsteps fade into the kitchen, Michael grabs his phone and opens up Twitter.</p><p>He stares at Calum’s profile picture for too long. Things are so different now. When Calum left, Michael lost his boyfriend, his band member, his best friend, everything. Every plan for the future that Michael had ever entertained had depended on Calum. It had always been Michael and Calum, and <em>just</em> Michael and Calum, against the world. They never needed other friends, they never needed anything more than each other.</p><p>He closes the app and opens his group chat with Ashton and Luke that they almost never use and texts “love you both.”</p><p> </p><p>Luke asks Michael to go shopping the day before they fly to the UK.</p><p>“Take Ashton,” Michael whines into the phone.</p><p>“He can’t come. Please, Michael?”</p><p>“I know for a fact that he’s already packed. There is no way that he’s busy.”</p><p>“Please?” Luke whines, so Michael sighs.</p><p>“You’re driving,” he says, then he hangs up. He gets a text from Luke seconds later telling him that he’ll pick him up in twenty minutes, with seven hugging emojis.</p><p>Luke tells him that they’re going to a strip mall in the valley, which isn’t that weird, because they never shop in Hollywood where there is a higher chance they’ll be recognized. What is weird, though, is that Luke gets a bit fidgety when Michael asks what they’re shopping for.</p><p>“It’s cold in the UK,” he says, and doesn’t elaborate when Michael waits.</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“I need warmer clothes.”</p><p>“You have warm clothes. We just toured Japan in February, like, two years ago.”</p><p>“My style has developed, since then.”</p><p>Michael looks at Luke, who is tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “You’re being weird.”</p><p>“I’m not being weird,” Luke says, but he doesn’t seem to believe it.</p><p>“Why are you being weird?”</p><p>“I’m – I’m nervous about you running into Calum while we’re in London,” Luke says, but his voice raises at the end like a question.</p><p>“Nope, try again.”</p><p>“That’s really it! You just don’t want to talk about it, which I respect. So, new subject. Do you think I’ve been too pitchy on the More chorus lately?”</p><p>Michael doesn’t believe him, but he lets him change the subject anyways.  </p><p>Luke’s still fidgety when they’re shopping for clothes and picks a few things without trying them on, which is very unlike him. They spend all of 15 minutes going through three stores, and Luke comes out with three bags full of things he’d barely looked at. Michael doesn’t ask what’s going on, because he figures that Luke will get to it eventually. They’re walking past store after store and Michael is just starting to worry, when Luke stumbles to a stop in front of a jewelry store, and Michael suddenly gets it.</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>, Luke,” his voice goes soft and fond, and he can’t even bring himself to care.</p><p>“Am I crazy?”</p><p>“No, oh my god—”</p><p>“Who gets engaged at 22? People who get divorced, probably, and like, horse girls. This is crazy.”</p><p>“You’re not crazy—”</p><p>“I <em>am</em> crazy. What if he says no and it ruins the band? What if he says <em>yes </em>and it ruins the band?”</p><p>“Luke,” Michael grabs his shoulder and squeezes. “Look at me.”</p><p>Luke shakes his head, but he looks. “This was a terrible idea. I’m crazy.”</p><p>"Luke, listen. You’ve been together for six fucking years. You’ve been through so much, you know him, you know you. Is it forever?” Michael asks, even though he knows the answer.</p><p>“Of course it is.”</p><p>“Then it’s not crazy. You’re not crazy.”</p><p>Luke laughs a little manically and runs a hand through his hair. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.”</p><p>Michael grins. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luke grins back, nods, and then pulls Michael up to the shop door.</p><p>“Shit, my best friends are getting married,” Michael laughs, and when Luke smiles, Michael can’t bring himself to regret any single event that might not have led them here.</p><p> </p><p>Luke asks Michael to pack the ring, so he hides it at the bottom of his suitcase, tucked into the pocket of an old zip-up hoodie that he’s not going to wear. Ashton almost never borrows his things, and he <em>never</em> borrows his things without asking, so it’s a pretty solid hiding spot. Luke doesn’t seem to have an actual plan, so Michael expects it’ll stay there a while.</p><p>The first few shows of the Europe leg of the tour feel good. They’ve really grown into the set now, and they’re not sick of it yet. Luke’s mostly acting normal, except for sometimes he shoots Michael these random panicked looks that Ashton somehow never catches. Michael can always talk him down, and as their London shows creep up on him, it’s nice to focus his energy on someone else.</p><p>Ashton is shooting him all these worried glances when anyone mentions London, though, and Michael is starting to snap about it.</p><p>“We’ve played London, like, 10 times, and it’s never been an issue,” Michael says in the car on their way back to the hotel, the night after their second Manchester show. Luke’s in the other car because of security, so Michael doesn’t feel as bad for picking a fight. “We fucking <em>lived</em> there for a while. It’s going to be fine.”</p><p>“I just want you to be prepared—”</p><p>Michael sighs dramatically. “I’m <em>fine</em>, Ashton. What’s the worst that could happen? He turns up to a show? That’s fine, I can handle myself.” Michael says, but Ashton still looks concerned. “I’ll be with you guys the entire time, anyways. And I won’t be drunk.”</p><p>“Damn straight, you won’t leave my sight.”</p><p>Michael breathes a laugh and Ashton giggles.</p><p>“Can’t we just be excited? We love playing in London.”</p><p>“We’re excited. I’m excited. I just care about you more than I’m excited.”</p><p>“That’s cute,” Michael says, and Ashton rolls his eyes. “I’m serious, I’ve never felt so loved.”</p><p>“Shut the fuck up,” he says, but it’s with a smile so Michael doesn’t take it to heart.</p><p> </p><p>Their tour bus gets into London in the late afternoon and brings them to the hotel. They’re playing two shows but they’re staying four nights, and they’ve got three rooms between them even though they only need two.</p><p>They go up to their rooms to drop things off. Michael never really unpacks while he’s on tour – he keeps his suitcase organized so he just digs through for what he needs. Michael scrolls on Twitter while he waits for Ashton and Luke to come get him for dinner, half expecting a DM or a tweet but he doesn’t see anything.</p><p>Ashton and Luke take longer than they should, and when they finally turn up, Michael is grumpy and hungry.</p><p>They’ve picked the restaurant already and Michael knows that they strategically picked a place that Calum would probably never go. He wants to pick a fight about it, but he’s hungry and he doesn’t want to take the time to find a different place.</p><p>Some of their team joins them and Michael ends up wedged between their media director and Ashton, with Luke across from him.</p><p>He feels a bit better after he eats, but he still isn’t in the mood for exploring, so he goes back to the hotel alone. No one says anything, no one even looks at him weirdly, which he appreciates.</p><p>Michael checks his Twitter again when he’s back at his hotel in bed, but still doesn’t see anything from Calum, so he just goes to bed. It’s still early, so he tosses and turns for a long time, very deliberately thinking about the show tomorrow and nothing else.</p><p> </p><p>Ashton wakes Michael up the next afternoon, even though he went to bed so early. He bangs on the door, yells “soundcheck,” and leaves without waiting for an answer.</p><p>Michael rides in the car alone to the venue, probably because Ashton and Luke are worried that he’s still in a mood. To be fair, he kind of is still in a mood. He doesn’t know why, he’s not usually like this so soon after a break. He thinks he hides it pretty well, though. He makes small talk with the security guy in the car with him, and he chats with the sound guys while Ashton checks over his drums.</p><p>Once they’re done, Michael stretches out on a couch in their dressing room and opens Twitter. Still nothing.</p><p>Ashton and Luke come in, talking loudly, hyping themselves up. They blast Nickelback and scream sing along. People come in and out, and Michael keeps to himself. Eventually, everyone not in the band clears out and Luke and Ashton exchange a look.</p><p>“You good?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“Yeah, just scrolling.”</p><p>Ashton nods, because he knows that Michael may be off, but he’ll put on a good show. Luke, however, sighs.</p><p>“Get up.”</p><p>“Not yet,” Michael whines but Luke narrows his eyes so Michael sits.</p><p>“Put on<em> How You Remind Me</em>,” Luke tells Ashton, and Ashton does. “Come take a shot.”</p><p>“Not if it’s tequila,” Michael says, but he gets up. Luke rummages around on the counter until he finds a bottle of cheap whiskey.</p><p>“This fine?”</p><p>“I guess,” Michael says and Luke pours two shots. He hands one to Michael and they click the glasses together, tap them down on the table, then swallow them back in sync.</p><p>“That’s disgusting,” Michael complains.</p><p>“Would you rather do tequila?”</p><p>“Obviously not.”</p><p>“One more, then?’</p><p>Michael looks over at Ashton, who has cracked a beer but is eyeing him and Luke a bit wearily.</p><p>“Yeah, alright,” Michael says, and holds out his glass for Luke to refill. They slam back their shots and Luke cheers as the chorus starts.</p><p>He screams along and dances at Michael, who relents and joins. Ashton comes over and soon they’re all jumping all over the place, singing way too loud.</p><p>“Let’s play the best fucking show of our lives,” Luke yells over the music, and he’s said it hundreds of times by now, but it still makes Michael grin.</p><p> </p><p>The show is really good. Michael’s all over the stage – maybe the energy from his abnormally long sleep has finally caught up with him or maybe the crowd is really great or maybe the music is just coming out so right, tonight. Maybe it’s all of it. Michael feels <em>good</em>, really good, like he hasn’t in a while. Like he hadn’t even noticed he’s been missing.</p><p>He sends Luke and Ashton off in a car together afterwards, because he can tell they want to be alone, for a bit. They’re not going to have a big celebration tonight, or anything. They have another show tomorrow and then a day off, so they’re all planning to get spectacularly drunk then, instead.</p><p>Michael’s car is behind Ashton and Luke’s until it pulls off into a restaurant parking lot. He doesn’t get any texts so he knows he’s not invited because it’s a couple thing, and he’s so giddy he just laughs and texts Luke “use protection ;),” which Luke leaves on read.</p><p>It’s early in the morning in Sydney, but Michael wants to share his good mood and it’s not <em>that</em> early so he calls his mum.</p><p>“Michael?” She answers, a bit groggy.</p><p>“Did I wake you up?”</p><p>“No, I was just putting on coffee, is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yes! Yes, we just played a really good show, and I – I don’t know. I wanted to tell you about it.”</p><p>She laughs softly. “So tell me about it!”</p><p>He goes into detail, talks about the show like he hasn’t since he left Australia for the first time. He talks about how he hit the start of the chorus in Jet Black better than he probably ever has, and about how Luke played the Youngblood bassline so well he could feel it in his bones, and about how the crowd started chanting Ashton’s name three separate times, and how their harmonies were so strong, so together.</p><p>“I’ll look for YouTube clips a bit later, once kids have had the chance to post them,” she says when he’s done.</p><p>“Look for Jet Black, if you do.”</p><p>“Of course,” she pauses, and the car comes up to the hotel. “You sound happy.”</p><p>It takes Michael a second to process what she’s said. “I sound happy? I am happy.”</p><p>“Good, I’m happy that you’re happy.”</p><p>“Mum—” Michael laughs. The security guy nods his head at the door and Michael mouths “one second.”</p><p>“After what happened last time you were there, I was just a bit worried. You’ve been so quiet, lately—”</p><p>“I’ve not been quiet, I’m fine.”</p><p>“I know, I know. I just mean – I’m really happy to hear you this happy.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for worrying you.”</p><p>“It’s okay, don’t worry about that. I just—”</p><p>Michael realizes that she’s probably either about to get sentimental or talk about Calum, so he stops her. “Listen, I just got to the hotel. We’re playing again tomorrow and I should get some rest.”</p><p>“Alright, well call me soon, okay?”</p><p>“I will. I promise. I love you!”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>The security guy is out of the car before Michael even hangs up. He follows him in through the back door of the hotel, then Michael breaks off. He lost any buzz he had from the shots before the show and he wants a celebratory drink before he goes up to bed.</p><p>He considers just ordering room service but he doesn’t want to go to his room quite yet. He’ll have to cut back through the lobby to get to the bar, so he pulls his sweatshirt hood up over his hair because he’s still kind of sweaty and he knows it looks messy.</p><p>He turns right for the bar once he gets into the lobby, passing the front door and through the seating area.</p><p>He almost doesn’t notice, because he’s so in his own head. He does notice, though. First the legs, one crossed over the other in black straight leg dress pants. His foot is bouncing, slightly, a black boot Luke would probably wear. Michael lifts his eyes slowly over a red striped shirt with the top button left open, then up to his face. He’s looking down at his phone, so Michael can’t see his eyes.</p><p>He’s frozen, and oh god, how could he have thought that he could handle this. He fights to take a shaky breath and it comes out choked.</p><p>Calum looks up at the noise, and their eyes meet.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Michael blurts, spluttering a bit.</p><p>“I came to see you,” Calum says, and stands. He walks forward and Michael is frozen.</p><p>“Why?” Michael asks.</p><p>“You know why,” Calum says, and reaches out a hand. Michael holds his breath, and then Calum’s fingers are brushing his elbow. “Can we go to your room? I don’t want to talk here.”</p><p>Michael nods, even though this absolutely can not happen. They stand like that for a moment, then Calum drops his hand. Michael battles in another breath, and turns to the elevators, Calum’s footsteps ringing behind him. He thinks he might pass out, and he’s probably not hiding it very well, but when they get into an elevator, Calum lifts his hand to Michael’s arm again without looking at him. Both facing ahead, he slides his hand down and locks their fingers together, and seven years have changed nothing. Michael is not fine. He is still so entirely in love with Calum Hood.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael drops Calum’s hand as the elevator arrives on his floor. He hears Calum take a sharp breath, but he doesn’t look back as he leads him down to his room.</p>
<p>He fumbles through his pocket for his key card and lets them in. Calum follows him into the room, and Michael finally turns back to look.</p>
<p>Calum is looking around, eyes lingering on the unpacked suitcase. Michael doesn’t know what he was expecting, but Calum seems surprised.</p>
<p>Michael folds himself into one of the armchairs by the window, and Calum takes the other. The chairs aren’t facing each other, both angled out, so Michael doesn’t have to look him in the eye when he says “so what did you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>Calum hesitates a moment, just long enough that Michael considers looking. “I haven’t, like, prepared notes. I just – I don’t know. I’ve – I’ve wanted to catch up for a while. I’ve missed you. I miss you.”</p>
<p>“I miss you too.” It takes a moment for Michael to realize he’s said it out loud, and once he does, he clears his throat. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he says, and wonders if he should kick Calum out.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to say anything.”</p>
<p>“Then why are you here? What do you want from me?”</p>
<p>“I don’t – I don’t want anything, I just – I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know what?”</p>
<p>Calum hesitates for a long moment, then says “I don’t know why I came.”</p>
<p>Michael turns, and Calum is looking down at his hands. He’s slouching, a bit. His lips are pressed together and Michael can’t see his eyes, but he wants to. Calum has always been beautiful, but right now, so close, Michael has never felt so hopeless for him.</p>
<p>“Look at me,” Michael says, coming out more softly than biting. Calum looks up, eyes big and brown and shiny.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Calum says, and Michael shakes his head.</p>
<p>“It’s fine—”</p>
<p>“For what I did to you. For leaving. At least, for leaving the way I did.”</p>
<p>They keep eye contact, even though Michael wants to look away. “It was a long time ago,” Michael says, like he’s said hundreds of times.</p>
<p>“That doesn’t make it okay,” Calum says. “I knew it wasn’t – even then, I knew it wasn’t right.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about this.”</p>
<p>“Michael—”</p>
<p>“I mean it, Calum,” Michael’s voice breaks a bit on his name. It might be the first time he’s said it out loud in years.</p>
<p>Calum nods and his eyes flicker down for a moment, but then he brings them right back up. “Why did you let me in, then?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Do you want me to go?”</p>
<p>“No,” Michael says, before he can stop himself. He doesn’t take it back though, and Calum reaches his hand out across the end table between them. Michael lifts his hand, just enough that Calum can reach it. He lets Calum lock their fingers together.</p>
<p>“Do you want to keep talking?” Calum asks, and there’s a look on his face, a lift in his eyes that Michael will never be able to forget. So he knows what Calum is asking, and he knows what it means when he answers.</p>
<p>“No,” he says, and Calum stands, pulling Michael up by the hand.</p>
<p>Michael’s breathing picks up, goes a bit shallow. Calum pulls him in, taking his other hand, too. He brings Michael close, so that their chests are just brushing. He lifts a hand to Michael’s hair and smooths it down, then holds him there.</p>
<p>Michael watches him, blinking back a sting in his eyes. He swallows a lump in his throat and presses his lips together, watching as Calum looks down at them. His eyes come back up to meet Michael’s, and his free hand lifts to Michael’s cheek, brushing his fingers across.</p>
<p>Michael’s mind is completely blank, so his hands reach for Calum’s waist without any conscious intention. Calum moves in a bit closer, so that they’re pressed up together, and drops his forehead to Michael’s. They’re so close, and Michael can’t quite breathe.</p>
<p>He feels Calum’s breath on his lips when he asks, “can I?”</p>
<p>Michael forces in a deep breath, then nods.</p>
<p>Calum hesitates a moment, watches Michael for some sort of sign, maybe, then he leans in. He presses his lips to Michael’s gently and his eyes fall closed, so Michael closes his too. It’s soft, and warm, and careful, and so, so painfully familiar. Michael chokes back a sudden sob, which parts his lips. Calum opens to meet him and Michael feels his tongue slide across his, and in a rush of instinct, swirls his tongue as he wraps his arms around Calum, tight.</p>
<p>Calum pulls his hands from Michael’s face to wrap them around his neck, pulling impossibly closer. Michael doesn’t know how long it lasts, everything else goes fuzzy, and it takes a long time before he realizes he’s been crying.</p>
<p>He manages to tear himself out of him own head when he hears something out in the hall. Footsteps echoing, then voices, giggles.</p>
<p>Michael pulls away from Calum hard and fast, and he goes cold. He’s several steps away before he meets Calum’s eyes again.</p>
<p>“You’re crying,” Calum says, and steps forward, lifting his hand like he means to wipe Michael’s tears away. Michael steps back, though, and Calum drops his hand.</p>
<p>“You should go.”</p>
<p>Calum’s eyes go watery and he bites his lip. “Michael—”</p>
<p>Michael backs into the door and listens, waits until the voices disappear into their hotel room.</p>
<p>“That’s Ashton and Luke, getting back. They’ll be here in a few minutes, they were bringing me food” it’s a lie, but it’s a believable lie. It’s something they’ve done for each other countless times.</p>
<p>“I don’t want this to be it,” Calum’s voice is small, so quiet that Michael almost doesn’t hear it. He turns to face him and Calum wraps his arms around himself. They watch each other for a moment, then Calum drops his eyes to the floor.</p>
<p>“I don’t – I don’t know what to say to that.”</p>
<p>“Tell me not to go,” Calum’s eyes flicker up, and he’s crying too, now.</p>
<p>“I can’t,” Michael’s voice breaks.</p>
<p>“Please, just let me—”</p>
<p>“Don’t, Calum.”</p>
<p>It’s too sharp, and Calum turns away. He rubs his hands over his face and Michael takes the opportunity to do the same, wiping away the wetness on his cheeks.</p>
<p>Calum turns back and nods a few times. “I’m not sorry I came.”</p>
<p>Michael forces himself to breathe. “Me neither.”</p>
<p>Calum nods again and comes up to the door. Michael moves so that they don’t touch when Calum passes, and he knows that Calum notices.</p>
<p>Calum listens at the door for a second, then looks at Michael. Michael nods and Calum lets himself out. The door falls shut with a click behind him, and Michael listens until he can no longer hear his footsteps.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ashton texts Michael late the next morning, asking if he wants to come to his and Luke’s room to order lunch. Michael declines, says his voice is tired and he just wants to rest. He gets a flurry of concerned texts and regrets the choice of excuse, but manages to get Ashton off his back with promises to consume his body weight in green tea.</p>
<p>He keeps checking Twitter, but he doesn’t get any new messages. He doesn’t know why he expects to, and he’s not sure if he wants to.</p>
<p>He meets Luke and Ashton out in the hall right before they have to leave and he does his best to bring up his good mood from yesterday night, but he can tell that they see right through it. They walk out to the cars on either side of him, and when their security asks who’s going in which car, Ashton plants his feet for an argument.</p>
<p>“We’re going together, today.”</p>
<p>The guy sighs – Michael doesn’t know him yet, he’s only with them for the British shows and dealing with bratty, protective drummers is way above his pay grade. “It’s fine—” Michael says, but everyone ignores him.</p>
<p>“You can’t go together, it’s policy.”</p>
<p>“We hired you, shouldn’t our needs be the priority?”</p>
<p>“I have to follow protocol, if there was anything I could do—”</p>
<p>“If you ever want to work again, you will find something you can do.”</p>
<p>It’s a harsh and obnoxious argument. Luke hides behind Michael, red in embarrassment. They’re never like this – they don’t cause a fuss, they don’t make demands. But when Ashton makes up his mind on something like this, decides that he needs to protect the people he loves, he gets his way.</p>
<p>And he does. After a loud few minutes, they guy relents and they pile into the car to the venue, Michael in the middle.</p>
<p>“Ash, you didn’t need to—”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Ashton throws his arm around Michael and pulls him into his chest, tight. Michael pretends he’s not sniffling, and Luke leans his head over on Michael’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“What’s going on, Mikey?” Luke asks.</p>
<p>Michael shakes his head into Ashton’s shirt.</p>
<p>“We’re with you no matter what,” Ashton says into his hair, and Michael feels Luke nod on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“On your side, always,” Luke adds.</p>
<p>“Not here, okay?” Michael straightens a bit before Luke and Ashton can have a silent conversation over his head. “After the show. I’ll tell you after the show.”</p>
<p>“You’ll be okay until then?” Luke says.</p>
<p>“I’m okay, I’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>Ashton keeps his arm around Michael’s shoulder and Luke keeps his head on Michael until they reach the venue. They don’t press, because they never press when he can’t handle it. He wonders how soon they learned his tells after Calum.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael knows that he’s not playing his best show. He’s jumping and dancing and talking and smiling, but he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes. The crowd probably can’t really tell, but he still feels like shit about it.</p>
<p>He’s a little off key during the beginning of Jet Black, which sucks, because he was feeling so good about it yesterday. His mic is pretty low too, for some reason, which he overthinks, of course. Luke comes over to his side of the stage during the pre-chorus and it goes a bit better, but he’s already written the song off for the night.</p>
<p>He does his hype routine during the beginning of Want You Back but as soon as the guitar comes in, he goes to play facing Ashton. He sings his harmonies, but he knows he’s not pulling off the presence. It’s the song, this horrible song, he wishes he’d never written it. Once he just gets through this song, he’ll pull it together.</p>
<p>They get to the part where he always goes over to Luke’s mic and Luke turns to sing facing him. He has his eyes down on his guitar, and Luke crowds into him, so he looks up, and then Luke realizes. Luke knows.</p>
<p>They go off before the encore and Luke follows right behind him. Once they’re out of the crowd’s line of sight, Luke stops him with a hand on his wrist.</p>
<p>“What did he do? Did he message you?”</p>
<p>Michael shakes his head and Ashton catches up. “What’s going on?” Ashton asks, huddling up beside them.</p>
<p>“Calum” Luke answers without turning away from Michael. “Did you see him?”</p>
<p>Michael nods and Luke’s grip tightens slightly and Ashton gasps. “When? Where?”</p>
<p>“Last night. He was at the hotel,” Michael’s voice is low and broken, and Ashton brings a hand up to his back.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ashton asks.</p>
<p>“Never mind that,” Luke says when Michael opens his mouth to answer. “Why was he there?”</p>
<p>“For me,” Michael answers, and the three stand silently for a moment, staring at each other.</p>
<p>They hear a voice in their earpieces, asking where they are. They’re supposed to be playing an encore right now.</p>
<p>“We have to go,” Ashton pulls at Luke’s arm where he’s still holding Michael’s. “We’ll talk after, okay? Work first.”</p>
<p>Luke holds on for a few seconds longer, then reluctantly lets go. He nods at Ashton, then leans close to Michael. “Are you okay to do this right now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m good,” Michael breathes, and Luke doesn’t believe him, and when he looks over at Ashton he can see that he doesn’t believe him either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’re quiet in the car back to the hotel. Their crew called to them that they’d meet them at the agreed upon club as they left, but even Ashton can’t seem to muster up much enthusiasm.</p>
<p>They go right up to Luke and Ashton’s room, and Luke produces a bottle of vodka. He finds shot glasses and fills three, even though Ashton makes a face. After they down the shots, they sit on the bed, all three facing each other.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ashton asks, breaking the silence with his question from earlier. “We want to help, we want to be there for you.”</p>
<p>“You should have called us, you shouldn’t have had to face that alone,” Luke adds.</p>
<p>“I didn’t – I don’t—”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Ashton reaches and squeezes Michael’s knee. “We’re not mad, we just want to know why you didn’t say anything.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Michael says and grabs Ashton’s hand. He holds too tight, probably, but he needs it and Ashton doesn’t wince. “I just – you were out together, you waned to have a nice night—”</p>
<p>“Mike,” Luke interrupts, and grabs at his other hand. God, Michael is embarrassed. They look like they’re having a séance, but he can’t bring himself to let go. “Mike, you know we would rather have been here.”</p>
<p>“I know—”</p>
<p>“Then why didn’t you call us?” Ashton asks.</p>
<p>“I just – I wanted to be fine, you know? I wanted it to not be a big deal.”</p>
<p>“Mike—” Ashton starts, and Michael shakes his head.</p>
<p>“I know it was stupid, okay? I should have told you.”</p>
<p>Ashton and Luke have a silent conversation, which Michael doesn’t love right now, but he lets them decide how to handle him. He knows that they care, that they’re doing it because they both love him so much.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Luke finally breaks the silence. “What happened, anyways?”</p>
<p>Michael shrugs. “I got back and he was waiting in he lobby. Said he wanted to talk.”</p>
<p>“And then what?” Ashton asks, and Michael kind of planned on leaving it at that, but they don’t let up, and maybe it’ll feel better if they know, anyways.</p>
<p>“And then he asked to talk in my room, so I brought him up,” Michael says, and Luke and Ashton take sharp breaths in unison. “He told me he misses me, and I – I told him I miss him too, for some reason, I don’t know. And then he kissed me, and then I made him leave.”</p>
<p>They’re stunned into silence for a moment, and then they react. Ashton pulls Michael into a tight hug, mumbling “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left you alone.”</p>
<p>Luke stands up and shakes his head hard, then throws a pillow at the wall. “He has no fucking right—”</p>
<p>“Don’t, Luke,” Michael mumbles, but it’s lost in Ashton’s shirt.</p>
<p>“Who the fuck does he think he is? He <em>knows </em>what he did, he <em>knows</em> how bad it was, what makes him think he can just turn up and – and—”</p>
<p>“Luke—” Ashton’s voice is warning above Michael, and Luke stops.</p>
<p>Michael turns so that he can watch as Luke collapses onto the bed. “What do you mean he knows?”</p>
<p>“What?” Luke asks.</p>
<p>“You said that he knows how bad it was. What does that mean?” Michael says weakly, and turns away when Luke flinches. “What does it mean, Luke?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t think I’d just – what? Let him leave without saying anything?”</p>
<p>“What does it mean?” Michael repeats, and he feels Ashton go still.</p>
<p>“I sent him, well – I sent him a couple of emails. I just – I wanted him to know what he had done. He needed to understand.”</p>
<p>“What did you tell him?”</p>
<p>“I just told him what happened. That you couldn’t leave your bed for weeks and someone always had to be with you, or you’d panic. That you’d wake up with me or Ashton and think it was him, and not just for a few seconds. That you’d sob for hours once you realized. It was fucking <em>awful</em>, Mike, and he didn’t even think about what it might do to you. He needed to know.”</p>
<p>“What did he say?”</p>
<p>“He told me it was done, and that he’d never let it happen again.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Michael says, but it comes out like a sob. Ashton shifts him down to lay on his side and wraps his arms around him from behind, while Luke holds Michael’s hand and strokes his hair. Right back to where they started.</p>
<p>“It was nice,” Michael mumbles.</p>
<p>“What?” Luke asks and Michael sniffs.</p>
<p>“When he kissed me. It was nice.”</p>
<p>“I know, Mike,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“But you still made him go,” Luke points out, and Michael nods.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want to.”</p>
<p>“But you did.”</p>
<p>Once Michael stops crying, Ashton gets up and brings him a bottle of water. He drinks most of it in one go, leaned up against Luke. “We’re supposed to be at the club by now, aren’t we?” Michael’s voice is rough, and he winces.</p>
<p>“We’re not going, I already let everyone know,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>“No one’s disappointed,” Luke says, squeezing his hand.</p>
<p>“No, I know.”</p>
<p>Ashton sits back down with the room service menu. “Will you eat if I get food?”</p>
<p>Michael nods, even though he’s not hungry. Ashton calls down and asks for way too much food.</p>
<p>“You’re not going to do it again, right?” Luke asks, softly so that he doesn’t disturb Ashton.</p>
<p>It takes Michael a few seconds to process the question. “Kiss him?”</p>
<p>“See him, if you can help it.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Michael says, and he realizes that he hadn’t even thought about it. “Uh, no. I don't think so.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Luke says, and Ashton hangs up the phone to return to the cuddle.</p>
<p>“We’re not going to let him hurt you again,” Ashton says, and Michael believes him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Michael gets back to his hotel room the next morning, he finds a note slid under his door.</p>
<p>He knows he should go right back over to Luke and Ashton’s room to show them, but he leans back against the door and unfolds it anyways.</p>
<p>
  <em>              I get it if you don’t want to see me again, but I meant what I said about missing you, and I meant what I said about not wanting this to be the end. I know you’re leaving soon, but if it’s okay with you, I                want to see you one more time, just to talk. – Cal xx</em>
</p>
<p>Michael drops onto the bed and rubs his hands over his face a few times, then gets up to shower. He plans to go tell Luke and Ashton, but instead, he finds himself opening Twitter when he’s dressed.</p>
<p>He opens his DM’s with Calum and types out “I have to be on the bus at 3, and you can’t come back here, but I’ll meet you.”</p>
<p>Calum sends back an address within the minute, so Michael texts Luke and Ashton, “I’m going to Liam’s for tea, promise I’ll be back on time.” They text back, telling him to have fun. Michael feels shitty for lying, especially after they’ve been so good about everything, but he’ll tell them as soon as he’s back. He just doesn’t want them to stop him.</p>
<p>He gets an Uber and tries to figure out what he wants to say on the way there. He runs through several conversations in his head, and none of them are satisfying.</p>
<p>He DM’s Calum when he arrives at a tall building with lots of windows. Calum buzzes him in and his mind goes blank when he gets into the elevator. He finds the flat number that Calum had sent and knocks.</p>
<p>The door opens right away, and there he is. It hasn’t gotten easier to see him, and Michael once again freezes.</p>
<p>“I’m really happy you came,” Calum says, and steps aside so that Michael can pass by him. “I didn’t think that you would.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t think I would, either,” Michael looks around – it’s a nice place with lots of natural light and an open floor plan. The light wood floors and the white kitchen cabinets and countertops make the room feel massive. “This place is yours?” Michael asks as he wanders into the living space.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I bought it right after I was traded.”</p>
<p>“It’s beautiful.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. I bet it seems small compared to your new place in LA, though.”</p>
<p>Michael turns to look at Calum, who’s a bit sheepish. “You know about that?”</p>
<p>“I keep up with you, in the press, and stuff. Luke and Ashton, too.”</p>
<p>“Huh,” Michael turns away and looks to the photos in frames on the shelves by Calum’s television. There are team photos, photos from what Michael assumes are his junior team days, photos with his family. Michael stops at one of Calum with his sister when he was still a teenager. It must have been shortly after he’d left Sydney.</p>
<p>Calum comes over and hovers in front of a frame, so Michael goes over to look. It’s a photo from their year 8 formal. Calum’s in the middle, mouth open in a wide smile. Luke is on his right, grinning with a hand around Calum’s waist. Michael is on the left, arm hooked around Calum’s neck, fringe swooping down over his eye.</p>
<p>“I could never bear to take it down. It’s been up in every place I’ve ever lived,” Calum picks it up, brushes a finger over the left side.</p>
<p>“I look weird,” Michael complains, and Calum shakes his head, and puts it back.</p>
<p>“You were a kid, we were all kids.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Michael says, but he doesn’t feel like they were kids. He can’t look at the picture anymore, so he turns to fold himself into an armchair.</p>
<p>Calum looks for a few moments more, then sits in the chair next to Michael’s. “I have such good memories from that day, from that time.”</p>
<p>Michael has to clear his throat to get out “yeah, me too.” Michael pulls out his phone to check the time, but he knows he still has plenty. “You asked me to come,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I did.”</p>
<p>“You wanted to talk.”</p>
<p>“I did. I do.”</p>
<p>“About what?” Michael asks, but it doesn’t feel as heavy as it did the other night.</p>
<p>“Everything, anything. I want to know what I can’t find out on your Twitter or in the press. Anything you’re willing to tell me.”</p>
<p>“Luke’s going to propose to Ashton,” Michael says without thinking. Calum’s eyes go wide.</p>
<p>“They’re still together?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, and still as obnoxiously in love,” Michael lets his voice go fond to soften the jab.</p>
<p>“Wow, that’s great for them,” Calum says, and Michael can tell that he means it. “I hope I can tell them I’m happy for them, one day.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Michael clears his throat. “Um, it’s obviously not public though, so—”</p>
<p>“No, of course—”</p>
<p>“And Luke doesn’t have, like, a timeline—”</p>
<p>“I won’t say anything. Not to anyone.”</p>
<p>“Okay, thank you.”</p>
<p>Calum smiles down at his hands, and Michael thinks about how that could have been them, if things had just gone a little differently. He wonders if Calum is thinking about it too.</p>
<p>“I don’t really want to talk about this, but I just – I have to – can I ask you something?”</p>
<p>“Anything,” Calum meets Michael’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Why did you end it? I get why you chose football; I get why you didn’t come back, but I just – why did it have to mean the end for us, too?”</p>
<p>Calum takes in the question slowly. “I’m – I’m not sure that I have a good answer for you.”</p>
<p>“That’s okay, I’m not going to like, get mad or panic or anything, I just – I just always wanted to know.”</p>
<p>Calum nods and takes another few seconds, then a long breath. “I don’t think I even understood why I did it at the time, and I’ve spent years trying to figure it out. I still don’t really know but I think – I think I just knew that choosing football meant choosing a life that you couldn’t be a part of. Not really, not the way I wanted, not with the band.”</p>
<p>“We would have made it work. It was us against the world, remember? We would have figured it out.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Calum says, but he doesn’t believe it, and maybe Michael doesn’t, really, either.</p>
<p>“Can I ask one more?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“Why over email?”</p>
<p>Calum looks away. “You know why.”</p>
<p>“I don’t.” Michael says, genuinely. Calum looks up in surprise.</p>
<p>“Don’t you? It’s like you said – it was us against the world. I never would have held my ground if you had a chance to fight me on it.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Michael breathes, and Calum lets out a soft laugh.</p>
<p>“If I had heard your voice – I probably would have given it all up. Even typing it out – I wanted to quit and come home and play in a fucking pop punk band,” Calum laughs again, at himself.</p>
<p>“Would that have been so bad?”</p>
<p>“You think you’d have gotten anywhere with me dragging you down?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Michael replies honestly, and Calum sobers. “You were good, Cal.”</p>
<p>“Maybe. It’s done, anyways.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>Silence falls, and Michael watches Calum. He’s got a bit of a blush, and he keeps fidgeting like he’s nervous. Michael knows that he’s going to regret having come, and he’s definitely going to freak out in the car back to the hotel. He still has time before he needs to go, but he doesn’t think he can be here much longer.</p>
<p>“I should get back,” Michael says and wipes his palms on his jeans as he stands. “We’re heading out to Birmingham today.”</p>
<p>Calum stands too and follows him to the door. “I’m really happy you came, Michael,” Calum says, and the way his name rolls off of his tongue takes Michael right back to nights in his bedroom, drunk on cheep beer and first love.</p>
<p>“I’m happy I came, too,” Michael says, because he is. He shouldn’t be, and he wishes he weren’t, and he wishes he hadn’t, but he is.</p>
<p>He fiddles with the zip of his leather jacket and Calum grabs his arm.</p>
<p>“Wait,” he says, then goes red.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>“I – you don’t have to say yes, I know I have no right, but – can I ask you something?”</p>
<p>Michael just nods as the place on his arm that Calum is touching goes very warm.</p>
<p>“To the Moon? The tattoo? Can I see it?”</p>
<p>Michael gapes at Calum. He shouldn’t. It might be the worst idea he’s had about this whole thing, which is a high bar. He swallows a lump in his throat and nods, shaking Calum’s arm off as he unzips his coat and pulls his arm out of the sleeve.</p>
<p>He holds his arm out and Calum reaches gently, lifting the sleeve of Michael’s oversized t-shirt until the tattoo is visible.</p>
<p>Calum’s holding his breath as his finger trace over it gently. His skin is hot, and Michael’s goes hot under his touch.</p>
<p>“It’s beautiful,” Calum whispers.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Michael chokes out, and looks up to Calum’s face. He blinks back up at Michael, and Michael pulls away. “Uh, I really do have to go—”</p>
<p>“Right,” Calum says, and takes a few steps back as Michael shoves his arm back through his coat sleeve. “If we’re ever in the same place at the same time again, will you see me?”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t,” Michael says, and he means it, even though his stomach drops.</p>
<p>“I know, but will you?”</p>
<p>They look at each other, and slowly, Michael nods. “If you want me to, yes.”</p>
<p>Calum smiles. “Keep in touch, then.”</p>
<p>“Alright,” Michael nods, and lets himself out. He makes it to the elevator before he has to hunch over to catch his breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael orders another Uber and sits on the steps in front of Calum’s building to wait. He leans over, head near his knees, desperately counting out his breaths, and fuck, it shouldn’t be, but it’s humiliating. He hopes that Calum doesn’t look out his window, but knowing his luck, he’s watched the whole thing.</p>
<p>He manages to pull himself together long enough to get into the car and give the address, when it arrives, but as soon as it’s on the way, he predictably freaks out.</p>
<p>It’s not pretty, and Michael desperately hopes that the driver doesn’t recognize him. The last thing that he needs right now is a resurgence of mental health related questions in interviews that he can never answer properly.</p>
<p>He puts in his headphones and blasts his video game soundtrack playlist, and when the car arrives, he’s stopped shaking, at least.</p>
<p>He gets himself up to his room and climbs into the shower, even though he just had one. He lets the water fall over him, hot and high pressure, bringing him most of the way back to himself. He stays a few minutes after his breathing comes back to normal, until he hears a knocking at his door, and a voice yelling over the water “be ready in ten.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How was Liam?” Ashton asks as they pile into the bus. It’s just the three of them at the moment, as most of their team went ahead in the cars.</p>
<p>Michael looks over at him and Luke, settling in so seamlessly. He thinks about lying again, because it would be easy, and he doesn’t want to upset them, but when Ashton looks back all open and smiley, Michael caves immediately.</p>
<p>“I didn’t go see Liam. I lied, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Luke and Ashton look at each other, then back at him. “All right, let’s go sit in the back,” Ashton says and they all file in, settling into their usual spots – Ashton on the edge, closest to the door, Luke stretched out next to him, and Michael in the corner, right at Luke’s head.</p>
<p>They wait for him, so Michael decides to get it over with. “He left a note under my door, asking me to meet up, just to talk. I decided to go. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would have stopped me.”</p>
<p>“Why did you <em>want</em> to go, though?” Luke asks, incredulous.</p>
<p>“I didn’t <em>want</em> to go, really.”</p>
<p>“Fine, whatever. Why did you go?” Luke bites and Michael flinches at the tone. “I’m sorry,” Luke rests a hand on Michael’s leg. “I’m just – I just don’t understand.”</p>
<p>“I just wanted answers, I guess. I felt that I deserved them, after all he’s put me through.”</p>
<p>“That sounds fair to me,” Ashton says and gives Luke a warning look.</p>
<p>Luke hums. “I understand, but you could have told us that. We could have come with you.”</p>
<p>“I needed to do it myself, I think.”</p>
<p>Luke sighs. “That’s – that’s fine, Michael. You’re an adult, you can make those choices, even if they’re bad ones,” Luke says, and Ashton swats his leg. “I just wish you wouldn’t lie to us about it.”</p>
<p>Michael looks at Ashton, who nods. “You can deal with this however you want to deal with it, you know we’ll always support you.”</p>
<p>Michael looks down when his eyes fill with tears, and for fuck’s sake, he’s cried more in the past few days than he has since he was a teenager. “You’re right, I just – I – you’re right. I shouldn’t have lied. I won’t do it again.”</p>
<p>Ashton nods and smiles, Luke huffs a bit. “You won’t lie? Or you won’t see him, again?”</p>
<p>“I won’t lie. I promise I won’t lie,” Michael curls in, even though they can already clearly see that he’s crying.</p>
<p>“You’re going to see him again, though?” Luke asks.</p>
<p>“Don’t, Luke. He’s upset,” Ashton says, and Luke pulls himself up to sit.</p>
<p>“I know he is, that’s why he shouldn’t see Calum again, ever.”</p>
<p>Michael fights in a breath. “I don’t know. I might not, I just—”</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t even be considering it.”</p>
<p>“I know, but it’s – he’s—”</p>
<p>“He <em>broke</em> you, Michael.”</p>
<p>“Luke—” Ashton tries, but he doesn’t seem to notice.</p>
<p>“Yes – yes, you’re right, but he’s – he’s still—”</p>
<p>“He’s still <em>what</em>? Your best friend? <em>Please</em> tell me you’re fucking with me.”</p>
<p>“No, not – no—”</p>
<p>“You’re not fucking with me?”</p>
<p>“No, I’m – that’s not what I was going to—”</p>
<p>“Well then what <em>were</em> you going to say? That he’s still the kid you knew in primary school? That he’s still important? That he’s still <em>in love</em> with you?”</p>
<p>“Luke—” Ashton cuts in, but he goes ignored.</p>
<p>“No, not that, not—”</p>
<p>“What were you going to say, Michael?”</p>
<p>“He’s still – he’s—” he loses his breath and Ashton glares at Luke.</p>
<p>“Why did you have to do that?” Ashton gets up and walks for Michael’s side of the couch.</p>
<p>“It was coming either way,” Luke says defensively, but he has the decency to look sorry.</p>
<p>“It was still really shitty of you,” Ashton settles in front of Michael on his knees. “Breathe with me,” he makes his voice calm and soothing and Michael nods. He follows Ashton’s breaths as best as he can, but he knows it’s still coming too wheezy and fast.</p>
<p>“Luke,” Ashton says, and Michael feels Luke crowd in at his side, then Luke pulls Michael’s hand up to his chest and holds it there.</p>
<p>“Breathe with me,” Luke repeats, and Michael knows this, in his body more than in his mind. He watches Ashton in front and he feels Luke’s chest rise and fall, the two of them working to breathe in time. It takes some time, but he evens out and the tightness fades away.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Michael says and leans his head back against the couch.</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault, you know that,” Ashton says and slides onto the couch on Luke’s other side.</p>
<p>“It’s no one’s fault,” Michael closes his eyes, they’re sore from crying.</p>
<p>“It’s Calum’s fault, probably,” Luke grumbles.</p>
<p>“Don’t think I’m not still pissed at you,” Ashton mutters, like maybe Michael wasn’t supposed to hear it.</p>
<p>“It’s not Luke’s fault, either,” Michael sighs, exhausted.</p>
<p>“Maybe not, but I’m still sorry. I should have been paying more attention.”</p>
<p>Michael shakes his head. “It’s not your job, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around me.”</p>
<p>“Paying attention and thinking before I open my mouth is <em>not </em>the same as walking on eggshells, Mike.”</p>
<p>Michael hums a noncommittal affirmative, because he isn’t sure that he really agrees. He’s tired and he doesn’t want to fight anymore, though. He wants things to feel how they’re supposed to.</p>
<p>“Can I fall asleep on one of you?” Michael asks and Luke starts shuffling around to settle them in before Ashton has the chance to volunteer.</p>
<p>He ends up tucked between the back of the couch and Luke, his head buried in his neck and Luke’s arms around his back. Ashton drapes a blanket over them, then sits at the end and pulls their feet into his lap. He turns on a movie – it’s clearly not meant for Michael to watch, but he hears the <em>Star Wars </em>theme and appreciates that they still picked one that he likes.</p>
<p>Ashton rubs absent-mindedly at his ankles and Luke hums softly into his hair. He’s so tired of needing them so badly all of the time, and he decides that after this, he’s going to move on. He’s going to pull himself together properly, and he’s not going to make stupid, self-destructive mistakes, and he’s not going to feel like such a burden, hopefully.</p>
<p>For now, though, he lets his best friends’ comforting touches lull him to sleep, and pretends that he isn’t thinking about laying with someone else.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael turns 23 on a 12-hour flight from Madrid to LA.</p><p>Luke and Ashton order a couple of bottles of wine and they all get a bit tipsy in the first few hours. They toast to the end of the tour, to their crew, to each other.</p><p>Ashton and Luke fall asleep once the wine is done, so Michael puts on a movie and drifts off too. He’s woken by Luke shaking his shoulder for breakfast, and before they know it, they’ve landed.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to come stay? At least for a few days?” Ashton asks as they hover around on the curb, cars ready in front of them.</p><p>“I’m sure,” Michael smiles.</p><p>“We do like your company, you know. We’re not just asking because of all the – whatever,” Luke adds and when Michael laughs, it’s not forced.</p><p>“I know, and I appreciate it, but I want to sleep in my own bed.”</p><p>“Okay,” Luke says, and surges forward for a hug, arms tight around Michael’s waist.</p><p>“We’re still going to see each other, dumbass,” Michael says into Luke’s shoulder. He pulls away and Ashton steps forward to wrap his arms around Michael.</p><p>“We’d better,” Ashton huffs as he releases Michael, and they duck into their respective cars.</p><p>Michael settles into the back seat and gets his phone started up. He checks Twitter and likes some birthday tweets from fans. He responds to a dumb photo that Luke had posted and then he checks his DM’s.</p><p>He’s gotten a few from Calum since London, but he hasn’t responded to any, yet. Today, Calum has sent him a phone number, with a “please,” and Michael thinks about it for a minute, then calls.</p><p>It rings twice, then Calum answers with a professional “Calum Hood speaking.”</p><p>“Hey, Cal,” the nickname slips out without Michael’s permission, and he clears his throat and pushes past it. “You, uh, you sent me your number.”</p><p>“Michael,” Calum pauses for a second, and Michael can hear the smile in his voice. “Yeah, I wanted to say happy birthday.”</p><p>“Thank you, I spent most of it on a plane.”</p><p>“Oh, that sucks.”</p><p>“It wasn’t too bad, I had Luke and Ashton.”</p><p>“I’m happy you weren’t alone.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>There’s a pause, but it’s not quite uncomfortable. “Do you have any big plans for the night, then?” Calum asks.</p><p>“I’m going to crash the second I’m home,” Michael laughs. “I love touring, don’t get me wrong, but it wipes me out.”</p><p>“I can only imagine. Even away games exhaust me.”</p><p>There’s another pause. “Do you have big plans tonight?”</p><p>“No, I have an early practice tomorrow. I try to get to bed early, as much as I can.”</p><p>Michael, in his jetlagged haze, only just now remembers that time zones exist. “Shit, I didn’t wake you up, did I?”</p><p>“No, you’re all good. Honestly, I was waiting for you to text or call.”</p><p>“Oh,” Michael breathes.</p><p>“Yeah, I know it’s – I know I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just – remember how special birthdays were for us?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course.”</p><p>“I used to like your birthday better than my own.”</p><p>“I remember.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to miss another one, if I could help it. Even if I can’t be with you, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you.”</p><p>“That’s – Calum—”</p><p>“I’ve thought about you every year. I mean – not just on your birthday. I always think about you. Just – especially on your birthday, you know?”</p><p>Michael doesn’t know if he can answer. His eyes fall shut as he listens to Calum breathing through the phone.</p><p>“Was that too far?”</p><p>“No,” Michael says. “Maybe. Probably.”</p><p>“I’m not good at this,” Calum sighs.</p><p>“You’re not good at what?”</p><p>“Talking to you like things are different, now. I keep forgetting that I can’t just—” Calum trails off and Michael doesn’t want to hear the end of that sentence.</p><p>“It’s alright. It’s weird for me too.”</p><p>“I wish—”</p><p>“What?” Michael asks when it becomes clear that Calum isn’t going to finish the statement.</p><p>“No, that really would have been too far.”</p><p>This time when silence falls, it is a bit uncomfortable.</p><p>“I should – I guess I should probably get to bed,” Calum says. “Practice tomorrow, and all.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s – that’s a good idea.”</p><p>“I’m happy you called me. This is always the worst day, when I miss – when I miss home the most.”</p><p>“Calum—”</p><p>“I know, too far. I’m sorry for saying that.”</p><p>Michael hesitates, then sighs. “You should get some sleep.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Calum,” Michael says, and it comes out too soft.</p><p>“Happy birthday, Mike,” Calum answers, and then he hangs up.</p><p>Michael drops his hand, with his phone, down into his lap. He watches for a while as they pass the suburbs flanking the freeway, hot sun warming his arm through the window. He lifts his phone again and types out a text to Luke and Ashton; “Calum messaged me his number because he wanted to wish me a happy birthday, so I called him. It was a bit weird but it was nice to hear from him.”</p><p>They reply immediately, concern and frustration evident through their texts. Michael reassures them that he’s okay, he isn’t freaking out, and he’s not going to throw himself at Calum or anything.</p><p>He gets home and doesn’t unpack much, because he’s going to be flying to Sydney for most of December. He just throws the lop layer of clothes, the ones he actually wears, into his laundry basket and leaves his Switch on his bedside table for easy access in the morning when he won’t feel like getting up.</p><p>He’s happy to be home, and it feels good to fall asleep in his own bed, in his own house, without noisy hotel neighbours or the rumbling of the tour bus or the possibility of his band members banging on his door to hang out. He sleeps deep without fear of interruption for the first time in a long while.</p><p> </p><p>Michael follows Ashton and Luke out of the arrivals terminal in Sydney, dragging his suitcase behind him.</p><p>Luke’s parents are there to pick them all up, since their parents still live so close together. Liz greets them all with long hugs, and if she squeezes Michael tighter than she maybe needs to, she doesn’t say anything, so he lets it go.</p><p>They make small talk in the car, talking Christmas and New Years plans, and Liz makes Michael promise to come over on Christmas Eve, like he always does.</p><p>She drops him off first because Ashton is staying with the Hemmings’, and he promises to see them soon. The door opens to greet him as he comes up to his childhood home, and his mum pulls him into a hug.</p><p>“I’ve missed you so much,” she says, and when Michael pulls back, her eyes are teary.</p><p>“Mum—”</p><p>“Don’t start,” she turns back into the house and Michael drags his suitcase behind him.</p><p>“I’m just going to go put this down,” he gestures to the luggage and she nods.</p><p>He pulls it up the stairs and into his old bedroom. He hasn’t spent a lot of time in here since he moved to LA, but it always feels weird to be home. Usually it’s hard, really hard to spend time in this room, but Michael thinks it’ll be better this time.</p><p>He opens his suitcase and dumps the contents onto his floor, throwing pants into draws and hanging sweatshirts on the hooks behind his door. Once he’s done something that resembles unpacking, he opens Calum’s contact and stares at it for a while.</p><p>He’s never sent him a text message from this phone, so when he clicks the message icon, the blank message screen comes up.</p><p>He texts “I’m home for Christmas. Let me know if you are too.” He leaves his phone in his room when he goes back to chat with his mum, and he doesn’t think about it for the rest of the night.</p><p> </p><p>Michael is at Ashton’s mum’s with Luke and Ashton when he gets a reply; “I’ll be home next week. I’d really like to see you.”</p><p>“Who’s that?” Luke asks, breaking off his conversation with Ashton. “You never text anyone but us.”</p><p>“It’s Calum,” Michael says tentatively.</p><p>“Seriously, Michael?” Luke sighs, but Ashton glares.</p><p>“What did he say?” Ashton cuts in before Luke has the chance to say anything more.</p><p>“He just said that he’s going to be home for Christmas, too.”</p><p>“Too?”</p><p>“Well, yeah. I told him I’d be here.”</p><p>Luke opens his mouth, but Ashton shoots him another glare. “Are you planning to meet up with him?”</p><p>“Maybe. Yeah, I guess so.”</p><p>“Can I come?”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Luke splutters.</p><p>“It would be nice to see him, again.”</p><p>“You knew him for like, four months!”</p><p>“Luke,” Michael interrupts. “He just doesn’t want me to see him alone.”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>,” Luke looks at Ashton, who rolls his eyes. “Then can I come too?”</p><p>“Absolutely not,” Michael says.</p><p>“But—” Ashton starts, and Michael cuts him off.</p><p>“No, Ashton. <em>You</em> can come.”</p><p>“That’s not fair,” Luke whines.</p><p>“I know he can keep his cool,” Michael explains.</p><p>“Maybe I just want to see Calum, too. He was friends with me when you still hated me!”</p><p>“I don’t believe you.”</p><p>“Fine,” Luke spits and storms into the kitchen. Michael and Ashton exchange a look.</p><p>“He’ll feel better if he comes,” Ashton says.</p><p>“I know, it’s just—”</p><p>“He’ll make it awkward,” Ashton interrupts.  </p><p>“It’s already awkward, he’ll make it tense.”</p><p>“You’re right,” Ashton says. “But if you’re really serious about having Calum in your life, you’re going to need to get Luke on board. Or at least to accept it.”</p><p>“I don’t know that I am serious about it.”</p><p>“You are, Mike. We wouldn’t be talking about this if you weren’t.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Michael says, but he knows it’s true. “I’ll let you come, but I want to see him alone, first.”</p><p>“If you’re sure,” Ashton sounds a bit sceptical, which Michael thinks is actually pretty fair, all things considered.</p><p>“I am sure.”</p><p>“We just don’t want you to get hurt.”</p><p>“I won’t get hurt,” Michael says like it’s obvious, even though he knows that he probably will.</p><p>“I trust you,” Ashton says, but the way he says it makes it clear that he doesn’t trust Calum.</p><p>Michael nods, then yells “Luke!”</p><p>Luke comes to the doorway slouching. “I’ll set something up with the four of us, but I’m going to see Calum alone first.”</p><p>Luke presses his lips together and nods.</p><p>“I promise that I’m not going to let him kiss me again, if that makes you feel any better.”</p><p>“It does help, a bit. But I still wish—”</p><p>“Just don’t, babe,” Ashton stands and kisses him on the cheek before passing into the kitchen.</p><p>Michael grins at Luke, because once Ashton’s picked a side, that side has won.</p><p>“How come by boyfriend likes you more than me?” Luke whines.</p><p>“I’m not as clingy.”</p><p>He stands and brushes past Luke to join Ashton and his family in the kitchen, but he hears Luke mumble a weak “I know,” behind him, and he laughs so hard tears come to his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Michael gets a text from Calum telling him that his plane has landed and asking to see him tomorrow.</p><p>Michael says yes, and they agree to meet at a café near their secondary school, where they used to go on lunch breaks and free periods, sometimes.</p><p>Michael arrives on time, but as he walks up, he sees Calum leaning against the side of the building. He smiles when Michael approaches.</p><p>“They’ve closed down,” Calum says, nodding behind him. Michael looks and sure enough, the interior is mostly cleared out.</p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>“I know, I haven’t thought to stop by in years, and now—”</p><p>Michael feels a bit emotional all of a sudden – nostalgic in a way that he almost never is. “Let’s go for a walk,” he says, because he can’t stand here in front of this shell of a teenage staple for one moment longer.</p><p>They turn towards their old school, probably out of old habit. Michael hasn’t been back since he dropped out, not even driven past it. He’d never wanted to – it’s filled with bad memories. Standing next to Calum, though, he remembers that it was the backdrop to a lot of good memories, too.</p><p>They come up on it quietly and hover in front of the main entrance.</p><p>“We could probably go in, if we wanted,” Calum says, and Michael laughs.</p><p>“Fuck, no. Why would we want to do that?”</p><p>Calum laughs, too. “True, we really fucking hated this place.”</p><p>“I spent the entire time that I was here working my ass off to get out.”</p><p>“Me too,” Calum turns to start walking again and Michael follows. “I can’t believe I used to think it was impossible.”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s kind of crazy that we both managed it.”</p><p>“You were too good for this place,” Calum says and turns to meet Michael’s eyes. “I always knew you’d do big things.”</p><p>“Shut up, you were so good at everything. You were amazing, I was just lucky.”</p><p>“Do you really believe that?” Calum asks, all sincere and open.</p><p>“Fuck, I don’t know. Maybe. We weren’t good when we were signed.”</p><p>“You were good, really. All of you, but especially you.”</p><p>“We were better with you.” It slips out, Michael hadn’t meant to say it, but when Calum blushes, he’s happy he did.</p><p>“I had no idea what I was doing—”</p><p>“Exactly. Imagine how good you would have gotten with a bit of time—”</p><p>“Michael—” Calum’s voice breaks, and Michael sighs.</p><p>“Sorry, I just – I’m sorry.”</p><p>Calum shakes his head. “No, I shouldn’t be – it’s fine.”</p><p>“This fucking sucks,” Michael says.</p><p>“I know, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t know how to do this.”</p><p>“I don’t either.”</p><p>They walk in silence for a bit longer, and Michael realizes that they’re heading towards Calum’s parents’ house. He hasn’t even been on that street since Calum left.</p><p>“Are you trying to take me home?” Michael says, mostly joking.</p><p>“Shit, I didn’t – I guess I’m just so used to—”</p><p>“Cal, it’s fine.” The nickname slips out again and Calum turns his face away.</p><p>“Let’s just go this way,” Calum points down another street and Michael shrugs.</p><p>“So,” Michael says after a few minutes in silence. “Football camp in Brazil was fun?”</p><p>Calum laughs. “What?”</p><p>“You promised me you’d tell me about it when you got back, only you never got back, so. Tell me now.”</p><p>“You don’t want to hear about that, it was so long ago.”</p><p>“I do! Really, I do,” Michael says, and he means it.</p><p>So Calum tells him about it. Talk about how challenging and stressful it was, but how good it felt to be noticed and praised. He tells him about how the other boys kind of sucked and he was so fucking homesick that he was sick every night for the first week.</p><p>When they come back up on the closed café, they find a bench and sit.</p><p>“I know you lived in London, for a while,” Calum says after he’s gotten to the part of his story where he was scouted. “Tell me about that, how did it happen?”</p><p>So Michael explains that they needed to write an album, and the people that wanted to write with them were in England. He tells Calum a bit sheepishly that they threw out anything he’d written because it hurt too much to play, so they needed to start from scratch. He talks about how much he loved living with Luke and Ashton and how he still doesn’t know how they survived that experience; how terrifying and exhilarating and wonderful it was.</p><p>When Michael runs out of things to say about it, he notices that Calum is smiling.</p><p>“I could listen to you all day, I’ve missed hearing you talk more than anything else, I think.”</p><p>“Oh,” Michael breathes and looks down at his hands in his lap.</p><p>“I know, I shouldn’t have said that.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I’ve missed your voice too.”</p><p>Michael looks up and Calum’s smiling, and he’s smiling too before he can think about it.</p><p>“I want to hear more, I just, I should probably get back to my parents,” Calum says, and Michael carves his face into something a bit more guarded.</p><p>“Yeah, me too.”</p><p>“This is my first Christmas back in years,” Calum says, and Michael’s eyes widen in surprise. “I know, I’m a terrible son. My parents came to see me two years ago, but it’s just easier to stay there.”</p><p>“Fuck, I can’t imagine <em>not </em>begin here for Christmas. I’ve never missed one.”</p><p>“I know,” Calum says, “From Twitter and Instagram and stuff.”</p><p>“I can’t believe you paid that much attention.”</p><p>“Of course I did. How could I not?”</p><p>“Fuck,” Michael says, more to himself than to Calum.</p><p>“I know,” Calum nods to himself. “I should go, probably.” He stands and Michael grabs his wrist without thinking.</p><p>“Before you do, Ashton and Luke want to see you too, sometime. Would that be okay?”</p><p>“They do?” Calum says, hopefully but nervously. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah, they do. Please say yes. It’s important to them. And to me.”</p><p>Calum stares at Michael like he’s waiting for him to laugh in his face or something, but when he doesn’t he nods. “Yes, yeah. I’ll see them. Text me to figure it out?”</p><p>“I will,” Michael smiles, and then Calum is walking away, and Michael is sitting in front of an old, closed café, thinking about his promise to Luke and wondering how he can take it back.</p><p> </p><p>When Michael gets home, his mum is waiting for him at the kitchen table.</p><p>“What were you doing out?”</p><p>“I – uh – I met up with Calum—”</p><p>His mum hums and he can’t read her expression. “He’s in Sydney?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Michael sits across from her. “He says he hasn’t been back in a while and wanted to see his parents.”</p><p>She hums again and he huffs. “What?” he asks.</p><p>“I’ve run into Joy a few times over the years. Did you know he’s never been back?”</p><p>“Like, at all?”</p><p>“He’s always refused, apparently.”</p><p>“Huh.”</p><p>“I wonder why he’s agreed, this time,” she gives him a knowing look and he shifts under her gaze. “Michael, I know that you’re an adult, and I’m not going to tell you what choices to make, but you need to really think about this.”</p><p>“I have thought about it, I’m not going to get too close. I just – it’s nice to get some answers, I guess.”</p><p>“Okay,” she stands and makes her way to her bedroom, and Michael is left staring at his hands.</p><p> </p><p>Being home mostly involves a lot of video games and sleeping, but also mild judgement from his parents. He does miss them while he’s away, and it’s nice to spend so much time with them, but they keep asking if he wants to invite friends over or go out to the shops with them, as if he’s lonely, or something.</p><p>It takes him a week to set something up with Luke, Ashton and Calum, and they settle on meeting for lunch. His parents seem relieved when he tells them he’s going out, but a bit concerned when he tells them who will be there. They don’t comment on it though, and when he drags himself out of bed before noon and walks out at the honk of Ashton’s mum’s car, borrowed for the day, they tell him to have fun.</p><p>It’s tense in the car, which Michael expected. He slides into the back, behind Luke in the passenger seat so that he doesn’t have to see his face.</p><p>He didn’t expect the complete silence. He mumbles a “hey” as he settles in but neither of them respond. Michael assumes that this means they’ve fought about something, and he doesn’t want to get in the middle of it, but the quiet is making him anxious and jittery.</p><p>When they finally pull up to the restaurant, Ashton parks the car and turns to face both Luke and Michael.</p><p>“Here’s how this is going to go, okay? We’re going to be polite. We’re going to be civil. We are not going to bring up anything from before Calum moved away. Got it?”</p><p>Michael and Luke nod, but Michael can see that Luke is very tense. He starts to regret agreeing to this.</p><p>“Luke, I mean it,” Ashton says sharply, and Luke deflates a little.</p><p>“I’ve got it,” Luke says, small and quiet, just for Ashton. Michael gets out of the car in case they decide to make up right here and now, and he sees Calum waiting by the door.</p><p>He waves as he walks over and Calum’s eyes brighten when he notices.</p><p>“Luke and Ashton are just in the car,” Michael says.</p><p>“Do they hate me? Is this going to be horrible?”</p><p>“No!” Michael answers too quickly and Calum grimaces as Luke and Ashton step out of the car and walk over.</p><p>“Calum!” Ashton opens his arms for a hug, and Calum looks at Michael nervously but steps into it. “Fuck, mate, it’s been so long!”</p><p>“Yeah, I mean – yeah.”</p><p>“It’s good to see you!” Ashton pulls back and Calum has relaxed a little.</p><p>Luke steps forward and clears his throat. “Hey.”</p><p>“Hi, Luke. Thank you for coming, it’s good to see you.”</p><p>“Um, yeah,” Luke clears his throat again and looks down.</p><p>“Let’s go get a table, yeah?” Ashton brings a hand up to Luke’s back to guide him into the restaurant, but Michael can see that they’re still tense with each other, and definitely have not made up, which is going to make this meal a lot more awkward.</p><p>“Wait,” Michael pulls back on Calum’s sleeve and holds until Luke and Ashton are further away. “Uh, they’re fighting. Just so you know. It’s going to be weird.”</p><p>“Why are they fighting?”</p><p>“No idea.”</p><p>“It’s me, isn’t it?” Calum asks a bit sadly.</p><p>Michael hesitates, but nods. “Probably, yeah. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t be, it’s my fault,” Calum steps forward to follow them before Michael can say anything, which is probably for the better, because Michael has no idea how he would reassure him anyways.</p><p>Ashton asks to be seated near the back, like he always does, and he and Luke slide in to the booth next to each other. Michael gestures for Calum to sit first, so that he’s facing Ashton, and Michael takes the seat facing Luke.</p><p>Ashton strikes up a conversation with Calum about sports, as he’s the only one in the band that even kind of follows any of them. Michael tunes them out and watches Luke, who’s looking down at his hands.</p><p>Michael stretches his foot and presses it down on Luke’s to get his attention, and Luke looks up. He seems tired – he has dark circles under his eyes and they’re a bit red, like he’s been crying a lot or getting high, neither of which is a good sign, for him.</p><p>Michael gives him a look that means “are you okay?” and Luke gives him a look that means “no, but I can’t explain right now.” Michael wishes he had rescheduled, or even given up the idea altogether. He hates it when Luke and Ashton fight – it happens so rarely that Michael always manages to forget how bad it gets.</p><p>Michael nods his head towards the door, almost imperceptibly, telling Luke it’s okay to go, if he wants. He doesn’t need to do this right now, or ever. This is about Michael and Calum, and he shouldn’t be drawn in if he’s fighting with his boyfriend over it.</p><p>Luke just shakes his head though, and then Michael notices that Ashton and Calum are watching them. He looks to Ashton, who turns immediately back to Calum, and when Michael follows his gaze, Calum’s expression is unreadable.</p><p>“Uh, so. How long are you in Sydney, for?” Michael says when the silence has gone on for too long.</p><p>“I head back right after New Years.”</p><p>“Us too. We’ve got to get back to the studio, get the next album done,” Ashton says.</p><p>“Writing or recording?” Calum asks, and Michael nudges Luke’s foot, but he doesn’t look up, this time.</p><p>“Both,” Ashton answers instead. “We’ve done most of the writing, but nothing is quite ready at the same time, you know?”</p><p>They order food, and Michael learns that Calum is a vegetarian. He doesn’t ask why, but he wonders about it. He’s always assumed that professional athletes can’t be vegetarians.</p><p>This gets Ashton onto the subject of health, though, which Calum is interested in as well. Luke looks at Michael and rolls his eyes subtly, and Michael smiles.</p><p>They get their food and start eating, and Michael feels Calum tense next to him. Michael looks over and he seems to be steeling himself to say something.</p><p>“So, Luke,” Calum starts, and Luke tenses too. “I saw on your Instagram that you went to Coachella, what was it like?”</p><p>“What?” Luke looks at Michael, who shrugs.</p><p>“I mean, I’ve always wanted to go, but the timing never works out. Does it live up to the hype?”</p><p>“Uh – I mean, it was weird. Crazy. Good, but crazy.”</p><p>“So it’s worth it? If I ever get the chance to go, I mean?”</p><p>“Um, I don’t know, it depends on the kind of music you like, I guess.”</p><p>“I would say go, if you get the chance,” Ashton says, and Luke and Calum both relax again.</p><p>“Thanks, I’ll definitely keep it in mind.”</p><p>It’s awkward, and hard, but it’s not as bad as Michael thought it would be. No one brings up anything from their shared pasts, and Michael, Ashton, and Calum manage to keep up steady conversation throughout the rest of their lunch. Luke doesn’t say much, and when he does, it’s only directly to Michael, and only if Ashton and Calum don’t seem to be listening. But he’s not yelling at anyone or openly sulking, so Michael considers it a success, given the circumstances.</p><p>On the way out, Calum stops Michael, and Luke and Ashton stop to wait.</p><p>“I can drive you home, if you’d like. It’s on my way,” he says, eyes flickering up to Luke and Ashton, who aren’t looking at each other.</p><p>Michael turns to them, and Luke looks at the ground, but Ashton shrugs. Michael considers it for a moment, weighing the idea of time alone with Calum and the fact that Luke clearly wants a third party in the car so that he has a chance to think before he has to talk to Ashton.</p><p>“Thanks, but I’m going to go with them. I’ll text you, though?”</p><p>“I’d like that,” Calum says, and they linger for a moment, very aware of the eyes on them.</p><p>“I’ll, uh, I’ll see you soon?” Michael asks and takes a step back.</p><p>“Yeah, see you,” Calum turns for his car and Michael turns to his friends. Ashton is already climbing into the drivers’ seat, but Luke is waiting.</p><p>“Thank you,” Luke says as Michael comes up next to him and wraps an arm around his shoulders.</p><p>“You always say you’re on my side no matter what,” Michael says, and Luke hums. “You know that goes both ways, right?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, Luke. Of course it does.”</p><p>Michael pulls him to the car and Ashton doesn’t question it when Luke slides into the back with Michael.</p><p> </p><p>Christmas sneaks up on Michael. He only sees Calum once, for another walk, but they text a lot. Luke comes over to play videos games a lot too, and he won’t talk about Ashton, except to tell Michael that he’s gone to stay with his family. He says it’s because he wants to get as much time with his brother and sister as he can before they have to leave, but Michael doesn’t believe it, and he can tell that Luke doesn’t either.</p><p>Ashton does come to Christmas Eve at Luke’s parents’ house, though. It’s awkward, and everyone knows that something is wrong, but no one says anything about it. Luke drinks a lot, and Michael does too in solidarity. Luke ends up plastered to Michael’s side most of the night as a result.</p><p>Ashton leaves early, claiming he wants to get to bed because his brother <em>will </em>be waking him up before the sun rises. Michael hands Luke off to Ben to follow Ashton to the door.</p><p>“What’s going on, Ash?” he asks, voice low, even though they’re out of earshot.</p><p>“He hasn’t told you?”</p><p>“He won’t talk about it.”</p><p>Ashton sighs. “It’s stupid. Really stupid.”</p><p>“Please, I just want to help.”</p><p>Ashton sighs again. “We got into a fight and said stupid things.”</p><p>“What kind of things?”</p><p>“I told him that he needs to get over his grudge, or he’ll lose you. He told me that if I’m friends with Calum, I’ll be betraying him.”</p><p>“Don’t fight about me and Calum.”</p><p>“I don’t think it was really about you and Calum, Mike.”</p><p>“Then what <em>is</em> it about?”</p><p>Ashton shakes his head. “I don’t – I don’t know. He’s never been like that before.”</p><p>“Just don’t break up, okay?”</p><p>“We won’t break up,” Ashton pulls Michael in for a hug, buries his face into Michael’s shoulder. “We just – we just need time. We’ve been together for every second of every day for like, seven years now. We just need to breathe alone, for a minute.”</p><p>“Okay, if you say so.” Michael pulls back. “I’m here for you, too, okay? You know that, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, Mike. Thank you.”</p><p>“Love you,” Michael says, and Ashton smiles, because Michael doesn’t say it a lot.</p><p>“Love you too, mate. Merry Christmas.” Ashton leaves and Michael locks the door behind him, rests his head against it for a moment and catches his breath.</p><p>He stays longer than he normally would, because Luke isn’t doing well. Right when his parents go up to bed, Ben and Jack decide to start doing shots, even though Michael shoots them warning glares. Half an hour later, Luke is puking in the bathroom and Michael is sitting next to him, rubbing his back.</p><p>“I’m so <em>stupid</em>,” Luke moans after he rinses his mouth with water and leans his head back against the wall.</p><p>“It happens, Luke. It’s okay.”</p><p>“He’s going to leave me.”</p><p>“No, he’s not,” Michael shifts forward to run his fingers through Luke’s hair, pushing it back. “No one is leaving you.”</p><p>“He will, and you will too.” Luke groans and leans forward to be sick again, and Michael gets it, all of a sudden.</p><p>“That’s why you’re fighting. You think we’re going to replace you.”</p><p>Luke lets out a sob, which just makes him sick again.</p><p>“No one is replacing you. No one wants to replace you.” Luke reaches out for water, and Michael hands him the cup. When Luke goes to lean back, Michael pulls him into his chest instead. “I won’t leave you. Nothing is going to change.”</p><p>“It will, it already has.”</p><p>“You’re my best friend, okay? You’re not going to stop being my best friend. You were there for me when I had nothing, literally all I had was you and you made me okay.”</p><p>“But that wasn’t what you <em>wanted</em>.”</p><p>“But it’s what happened, and that’s never going to go away. You’ll always be the one who saved me.”</p><p>“Ashton was there too,” Luke mumbles like it hurts.</p><p>“Yes, but I didn’t know him, yet. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”</p><p>Luke settles into something like sleep, so Michael starts to shift him upright. “Let’s get you into your bed.”</p><p>Luke groans but stands and lets Michael push him into his room. He settles under his blankets and Michael fills a glass of water for the bedside table.</p><p>Michael’s about to leave, but when he stands over Luke to say goodbye, Luke looks up at him with watery eyes.</p><p>“Do you want me to stay?” Michael asks, and Luke nods. “Alright, just give me a minute.”</p><p>He texts him mum to let her know he’ll be home in the morning and then goes to the bathroom and digs through the cabinets to find an extra toothbrush. When he gets back to Luke’s room, he’s crying.</p><p>“Alright, you’re okay,” Michael settles in next to Luke and pulls him into his side. Luke tucks his face into Michael’s neck. “No one is leaving you,” he says, and Luke sniffles.</p><p>It takes a long time for Luke to fall asleep, and a while longer for Michael to fall asleep after him.</p><p> </p><p>Infuriatingly, Luke and Ashton have not made up, despite Michael having figured out that the fight was even stupider than he had assumed.</p><p>“Just tell him you were insecure,” Michael tells Luke when he’s over on Boxing Day to play Mario Kart. “Tell him that you were upset and that you’re sorry for doubting him.”</p><p>“No,” Luke whines. “He said some awful things, okay? He needs to apologize first.”</p><p>“He didn’t know that what he was saying was awful. He was trying to make everyone happy as usual and took it too far.”</p><p>“I’m not saying that I’m sorry.”</p><p>“This whole thing will be over if you do, Luke.”</p><p>“I’m not apologizing first,” Luke says stubbornly, and Michael sighs and throws a red shell at him.</p><p>Ashton isn’t any better. He guilts Michael into going for a run with him by complaining that he’s lonely and promising that they’ll take lots of walking breaks.</p><p>Michael pants desperately as they reach one of those walking breaks, and Ashton hums a Taylor Swift song, annoyingly in shape.</p><p>“Can you just apologize to Luke so that I don’t have to do this with you?”</p><p>“He wants space, I don’t even know why he’s mad.”</p><p>“Yes you do, he’s upset. He thinks you like Calum more than him.”</p><p>“No, he doesn’t.”</p><p>“He does, and he misses you. If you apologize, things will go right back to normal.”</p><p>“Trust me, I know him. He doesn’t want to see me yet. Come on, enough walking.”</p><p>Michael groans in frustration, and stubbornly sets a much slower jogging pace than Ashton wants.</p><p>He talks to Calum about it, and he feels a bit guilty, because it’s really Ashton and Luke’s business, but this is the longest fight they’ve ever had and Michael is going insane.</p><p>“They’re both just being stubborn at this point,” he tells Calum over the phone as he’s stretched out in bed. “They’re not even fighting, they’re just refusing to make up.”</p><p>“You could trick them into a room together. Lock them in until they figure it out. Like my parents used to do when me and you fought, or when I fought with Mali.”</p><p>“We were kids, Cal. That only worked because we were only ever fighting about someone cheating in a game, or something.”</p><p>“Well you said this fight is stupid, maybe treating it like it is will solve it?”</p><p>Michael sighs. “I can’t really force them to make up. They’re adults in a relationship, they need to figure it out themselves.”</p><p>Calum hums. “Yeah, probably.”</p><p>“It just sucks. I hate running between them like this.”</p><p>He really has become the middleman, and it’s awful. As New Years comes up on them, Michael is responsible for making plans. Luke and Ashton both insist that they can all hang out together, even though they’re fighting, and Michael has to send them separate texts to figure everything out.</p><p>They decide to meet at Michael’s, get trashed, then walk down the block to watch the fireworks. The community center organizes it and sets them off at a local park, and they’re visible from the end of Michael’s street. They attend so many big parties throughout the year that they just don’t really feel the need to find one for the night, and they don’t have any friends in Sydney that they want to spend time with, anyways. They’ve never been cool, at home.</p><p>Luke turns up first, already a bit tipsy. Michael frowns, and Luke grumbles “shut up.”</p><p>He pushes his way past and looks into the kitchen. “Are your parents already gone?”</p><p>“Yeah, hitting up a party. Can’t believe they’re cooler than me.”</p><p>“I can,” Luke locates a bottle of tequila on the counter. “Let’s take a few shots before Ashton gets here.”</p><p>“Fine, but I’m not drinking that.”</p><p>Michael pours himself a shot of vodka and slams it back with Luke, but when Luke goes to pour himself another one, Michael takes the bottle.</p><p>“Don’t, unless you want to cry all over Ashton all night.”</p><p>Luke glares, but Michael’s right, so he puts the bottle down and mixes a drink instead. Once he’s done, he goes into the living room to set up some music as Michael gets a text from Calum, asking him to call, so he does.</p><p>“What’s up?” he answers.</p><p>“I’m at Ryan’s party,” Calum shouts over the music. “Are you here? Are you coming? As far as I know, he’s the only one from school throwing one.”</p><p>“Oh, no. I’m just hanging out at mine with Luke and Ashton. We’re going to walk down the street to watch the fireworks.” A knock comes to the door just as Luke turns on a loud rap song, and Michael sighs. “Speaking of, one second.”</p><p>Michael holds the phone to his chest and screams “Luke, let Ashton in!”</p><p>Luke ignores him, and Michael starts up the stairs. “I swear to God, Luke. If you don’t let Ashton in, I will kick you out.”</p><p>He hears a heavy sigh and assumes that Luke is going to answer the door, so he takes off for his room.</p><p>“Sorry about that,” he says into the phone, and the music on Calum’s end has gone down. “What were we talking about?”</p><p>“You were telling me that you aren’t coming to this party that I only showed up at to see you.”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>, Calum—”</p><p>Michael’s bedroom door opens and he turns. “Fucking <em>what</em>, Ashton?”</p><p>“It’s cold out.”</p><p>“I mean, I shouldn’t have assumed you were coming,” Calum says.</p><p>“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask what your plans were.”</p><p>“I walked over and it was colder than I thought it would be—”</p><p>“It’s not like, it’s not your responsibility, or anything—”</p><p>“I know, but I should have though of it.”</p><p>“So can I grab a sweater or something?”</p><p>“It’s cool, Michael.”</p><p>“You can come over if you want? We just – honestly we never really got on with people from school—”</p><p>“Mike?”</p><p>“Yes, Ashton, just get the fuck out!”</p><p>“Really?” Calum asks, and Michael has to squeeze his eyes shut to remember what he’d just said. He hears the door click as Ashton finally leaves his room.</p><p>“Yes, Calum, of course. I mean, Ashton and Luke are here so it might be awkward—”</p><p>“I don’t have to come if you don’t want me to—”</p><p>“I do, I want to see you.”</p><p>“Okay,” Michael can hear the smile in his voice. “I’m on my way. Be there in, like, ten.”</p><p>They hang up and Michael looks in the mirror. “Fuck,” he says to himself, and frantically searches his room for something cooler to wear. He had thrown on an old hoodie, thinking it would be just him, Luke and Ashton.</p><p>He messes with his hair once he’s put on a cool jacket with patches all over it, and by the time he gets back down, Luke is sitting on the couch, fiddling with the music, and Ashton is in the kitchen, on his phone.</p><p>“You changed,” Luke says when Michael walks into the room.</p><p>“Fuck off.”</p><p>“Why did you change?”</p><p>“Calum’s coming.”</p><p>“Calum’s coming?” Ashton calls hopefully from the kitchen.</p><p>“Yes, fuck, you’ll be able to more comfortably avoid talking to each other, are you happy now?”</p><p>Luke blushes and Michael hears Ashton splutter, but there’s a knock on the door. “Thank fuck,” Michael shouts. “I don’t have to deal with your bullshit alone!”</p><p>He opens the door to a smiling Calum, and he launches himself into his arms without thinking.</p><p>“Hi,” Calum says, all soft and fond.</p><p>“I hate them,” Michael breathes, “You are literally saving me, here. I couldn’t take another minute alone with them.”</p><p>Calum pulls back just enough to see Michael’s face – they’re still so close.</p><p>“What’s the plan, here? Divide and conquer?”</p><p>“Yeah, for now, I guess. You take Ashton? I think he’ll be more receptive to you.”</p><p>“Sounds like a plan,” Calum pushes Michael back into the house, and he nods to the kitchen.</p><p>“Ashton’s in there. Also, alcohol is in there. Help yourself. But don’t let Ashton get so drunk he says something shitty to Luke.”</p><p>“Got it,” Calum smiles and waves as he passes Luke. “Hey, man!”</p><p>“Hi, Calum,” Luke says, and it’s not warm, but it’s not as bitter as it was last time, either.</p><p>The benefit to having split up into different rooms is that Luke can’t get embarrassingly drunk. He won’t go into the kitchen to get more alcohol, so he’s stuck with the one rum and coke he’d mixed before Ashton arrived. They fuck around with the music and they can hear Calum and Ashton laughing in the kitchen.</p><p> As midnight approaches, Michael considers giving up the fireworks idea altogether, but Calum appears in the doorway smiling bright, and says “I was promised fireworks.”</p><p>“Then fireworks you shall receive.”</p><p>They file out of the door and Michael locks it behind him but rushes forward to lead the way. Calum walks up next to him and Michael turns back to see that Luke and Ashton have fallen behind, and are walking next to each other in silence.</p><p>“I’m sorry this has been so lame,” Michael says, quietly so that they can’t hear. “I didn’t mean to stick you with Ashton all night.”</p><p>“I’m happy I could help out,” Calum means it, which makes Michael’s chest ache. “And at least I get to see you now.”</p><p>“When we get back I’m running your locking-them-in-a-room plan. I’m sick of them.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit, start off 2019 with some appropriate meddling.”</p><p>They reach the end of the street, lingering under the glow of the streetlight, and Michael checks his phone for the time as Luke and Ashton catch up. “Two minutes, guys.”</p><p>They nod and stay silent, and Michael shoots Calum a pleading look.</p><p>“Crazy that the year’s already over,” Calum says.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s been a big one for us,” Michael smiles at Calum, then at Luke and Ashton.</p><p>“A good one,” Ashton says and Michael watches as he lifts his hands to the pockets of the sweater, of Michael’s sweater, a sweater that Michael never wears, and Michael freezes.</p><p>“No,” he says at the same time that Ashton’s hand finds something hard, and his face goes blank.</p><p>“Michael,” Ashton pulls it out and turns the little box over in his hand. “What is this?”</p><p>Luke looks up into Ashton’s hand, then into Michael’s eyes, wild and panicked.</p><p>“Uh – it’s, uh, it’s not what you think—”</p><p>Ashton opens it and rubs his thumb over the ring. “Why do you have an engagement ring?”</p><p>“It’s – um – I—”</p><p>“It’s not his,” Luke says, and Ashton’s eyes widen in understanding.</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>—”</p><p>Luke holds his hand out and Ashton hands it over, still open.</p><p>“When?” Ashton asks.</p><p>“October, right before we left for the UK.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Ashton looks down at the box.</p><p>“This wasn’t how I wanted to do this,” Luke says, and he swallows hard. “I wanted to not be fighting, first of all. And I wanted to be in London, I thought. At that park, from our first night living there, do you remember?”</p><p>“Yes, of course I remember.”</p><p>“I’ve known that you’re forever since the day that we met, Ash. But that night I knew I was forever for you, too.”</p><p>Michael feels Calum tug on his sleeve, and he turns. “Should we go?” Calum whispers, and Michael shakes his head; now that he’s here, he can’t walk away.</p><p>The fireworks start above them, it must be midnight. Michael feels his eyes fill with tears, and he turns back to watch as Luke goes down on one knee. Ashton brings a hand to his mouth and shakes his head in disbelief, every bit the cliché that Michael figured they would be.</p><p>“I’m so in love with you, Ash, even when I hate you. I’m going to be in love with you for the rest of my life.”</p><p>“Me too, Luke. I’m going to be in love with you forever, too.”</p><p>“Shut up, I’m trying to ask you to marry me.”</p><p>“Yes,” Ashton says and reaches down to pull Luke up.</p><p>“I haven’t asked, yet.”</p><p>“Then ask!”</p><p>Luke takes a shaky breath. “Ashton Irwin, you’re the love of my life, and all I want, and all I need. Will you marry me?”</p><p>“Yes, yes, stand up already,” Ashton pulls him up and then they’re wrapped around each other, kissing.</p><p>Michael finally turns away, and Calum is holding up his phone. “Oh, I’m not – I just thought they might like to have it. I’ll delete it right after I send it to them, or to you, whatever, it was just—”</p><p>“No, it’s perfect,” Michael wipes under his eyes.</p><p>“So perfect, with the fireworks and the glowy light—”</p><p>“They’ll be happy you got it.”</p><p>They turn back and Luke has slid the ring onto Ashton’s finger, and they’re both crying.</p><p>“Let’s go back to mine, they’ll come when they’re ready,” Michael says, and Calum follows him as he starts to walk back down the street.</p><p>Michael sits on the steps, where they can still see the fireworks, a little. Calum joins him, right near so that their arms are pressed together.</p><p>“I can’t believe they’re engaged,” Calum says.</p><p>“I know,” Michael is still a little teary about it.</p><p>“I still remember that show at the Annandale, do you ever think about it?”</p><p>“Sometimes, yeah.”</p><p>“I got down on one knee to ask Ashton to join the band.”</p><p>“You did.”</p><p>“And Luke kissed him when he said yes.”</p><p>“Now look at them,” Michael nods down the street, but they can’t see them from the steps.</p><p>“It feels like it’s been no time at all. I feel like I’ve been out of my body, all these years.”</p><p>“I know what you mean,” Michael says.</p><p>“I feel like I’m still that stupid 16 year old kid, who’s so in love with a boy that he’d give up everything he’s ever worked for to be with him, if he just asked.”</p><p>Michael looks at Calum, and everything about him is sincere. “You would have?”</p><p>“Yes, Michael. If you had asked me to stay, I would have stayed.”</p><p>“Fuck—”</p><p>“I still would. Ask me to give it all up, Mike. Ask me to quit, and I will. I’d spend my whole life following you around the world, if you’d let me.”</p><p>“<em>Calum</em>—”</p><p>“I’m serious. I’m so in love with you, Michael. I never fell out of love with you. All this time, I’ve just been waiting. Please, ask me to chose you.”</p><p>“I <em>can’t</em>, Calum. You know I can’t ask you to do that.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because you wouldn’t be happy, and I’m still in love with you too. I’m too in love with you to ask you to give your whole life up.”</p><p>“<em>Michael</em>—”</p><p>They’d ended up laced together, at some point. Michael’s hands are in Calum’s hair and Calum has one hand on Michael’s thigh, the other around his waist.</p><p>“<em>Please</em>, Michael—”</p><p>And Michael can’t give him what he wants, not all of it. He can’t change the past or make the years between them go away, but he can make it feel like it used to, when they were 16 and so in love that they believed that the world could never tear them apart.</p><p>When Michael finally kisses Calum, it feels like he finally catches up with time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*shrugging emoji*</p>
<p>what <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellawritess/pseuds/bellawritess">bella</a> and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/pseuds/FayeHunter">em</a> want, bella and em get &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael is happy that Ashton and Luke have made up. They’re so happy, all the time, and more affectionate than ever, and Michael is so, so happy for them.</p>
<p>The thing is, he just wishes that they’d stop staring into each other’s eyes long enough to discuss his very conflicted feelings about Calum.</p>
<p>They’ve been back in LA for two weeks now and Michael has barely seen them. They’ve done some writing together, but they mostly come into the studio, hide in a room together for the duration of the session, then leave without stopping to chat.</p>
<p>Michael finally convinces them to come to his house, promising drinks and snacks. They’re late but they do show up, and Michael is still so happy for them that he doesn’t give them shit about it.</p>
<p>They sit at Michael’s nearly unused dining table and he asks, “Alright, what should I do about Calum?”</p>
<p>“Mate, I don’t know why you’re asking me. You know my opinion,” Luke says, but his tone is easy, and Michael is pretty sure that he’s not going to pick a fight.</p>
<p>“Humor me.”</p>
<p>“Cut him out. You’ve gotten closure, now. Best to end whatever this is before you get hurt.”</p>
<p>“Interesting option, I’ll consider it,” Michael says, but he won’t, and Luke knows this. “Ashton, what’s your take?”</p>
<p>Ashton leans back in his chair. “Well, I guess we need to figure out what you want to get out of this.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, Ash. That’s the whole fucking point of this conversation.”</p>
<p>“But what’s the best-case scenario? If everything were to go exactly right and there were no obstacles, where would you want this to end?”</p>
<p>The image comes to Michael’s head fast and sudden, he and Calum waking up together, days with nothing to do but spend time together. They wouldn’t need anything else. They never have.</p>
<p>Something must come over Michael’s face, because Ashton nods. “There you go,” he says, and Michael shakes his head.</p>
<p>“It’s not that simple, though. I can’t move to London, Ash. I won’t. And he can’t move here. There’s just no future, probably. And besides, Luke wouldn’t let it get even close to that far.”</p>
<p>“Don’t put this on me,” Luke says. “You know my opinion, but I’ll support you no matter what you decide.”</p>
<p>Michael groans. “Why do you have to choose now to be cool about this?” he asks, and Luke looks over at Ashton with what Michael can only describe as hearts in his eyes. “Oh, fuck off with that. I’m having a crisis here.”</p>
<p>Luke looks back at Michael, but he does so without apology. “I don’t know what you want to hear.”</p>
<p>“I want you to tell me it’s a bad idea! Or a good idea. Fuck, I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“We can’t decide that for you,” Ashton says. “We just want you to be happy. If this is how that’s going to happen, I’m not going to tell you <em>not</em> to do it.”</p>
<p>“So you <em>do</em> think it’s a good idea!”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s not what I said—”</p>
<p>“But it’s what you <em>meant</em>—”</p>
<p>“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Luke says.</p>
<p>“I meant,” Ashton cuts in before Luke has the chance to continue. “I meant that I don’t want you to not give it a shot and end up miserable because you’ll always wonder what could have happened.”</p>
<p>“But what if I give it a shot and he leaves again?” Michael mumbles, nearly whispers it. Doesn’t want to admit it’s a concern, even when it so obviously is.</p>
<p>“You lived through it once,” Ashton reaches over the table to touch Michael’s shoulder so that he looks up again. “You can do it again. We’ll be there, no matter what happens.”</p>
<p>“Even you?” Michael asks Luke.</p>
<p>“Of course I will, Michael.”</p>
<p>“Even though you think it’s stupid?”</p>
<p>“Ashton’s right, Mike. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life pissed at yourself for missing the chance, it might be worth the risk.”</p>
<p>“If it helps, I think it’ll be very different this time,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Why?” Michael asks, and Ashton smiles.</p>
<p>“A feeling, I guess.”</p>
<p>“So you’re fine with it? I can try again, with Calum? Just like that?”</p>
<p>“Do whatever you need to do, it’s not up to us,” Ashton says and gives Luke a subtle but pointed look.</p>
<p>“I don’t love it,” Luke keeps his eyes on Michael. “I wish he couldn’t still get to you like this, but I will support you and I’ll be nice to him.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay. I’m going to do this.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Luke says.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Michael says. “I’m not going to be in the studio on the 25<sup>th</sup>. Or probably the 28<sup>th</sup>,” he says, and Ashton and Luke exchange a glance. “It’s Calum’s birthday,” Michael explains. “Birthdays are special for us.”</p>
<p>“Alright, Michael. We’ll be fine without you for a few days,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ll steal all of the guitar parts,” Luke says.</p>
<p>Michael rolls his eyes. “This really isn’t a big deal.”</p>
<p>“We know,” Ashton says, but it is, so they help him plan out the trip anyways.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael considers making it a surprise, but he has a horrible fear of turning up while Calum has friends or family over and being kicked out in embarrassment, or something.</p>
<p>Everything is booked, Michael has flights and a hotel, but he doesn’t think he can get on the plane if he doesn’t know what his welcome will look like, so he calls Calum.</p>
<p>“So,” he says when Calum picks up. “What would you say if I turned up at your door in roughly two days?”</p>
<p>“Wait, really?”</p>
<p>“I mean, if you want me to. It’s okay if you’re too busy.”</p>
<p>“No, oh my god, no. I have a game over the weekend, if you’d stay that long—”</p>
<p>“My return flight is Monday—”</p>
<p>“You have flights, already?”</p>
<p>“Shit—” Michael says. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be sorry, fuck, Michael.”</p>
<p>“I can cancel—”</p>
<p>“Please don’t cancel, I just – I can’t wait. I want you here now.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I didn’t know if you’d want to see me again, after—”</p>
<p>“I do, I really do.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Calum says, and Michael can hear the smile in his voice. “Because I really want to see you too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael is nervous during the flight, but he’s not sure if he’s nervous about Calum of if he’s nervous because he really hates flying alone.</p>
<p>He spends most of the flight replaying <em>Hollow Knight</em> on his Switch, and some of it sleeping. He’s tired when he finally gets to his hotel, but not tired enough to do more than throw his shit on the bed and change out of his plane clothes before getting a car to Calum’s.</p>
<p>He texts Calum when he’s in front of his building and Calum buzzes him in. The door to Calum’s flat opens seconds after he knocks.</p>
<p>“You’re here,” Calum says.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” Michael breathes, and then Calum is kissing him.</p>
<p>Michael pushes him back without separating so that he can close the door behind them. He lets Calum push him up against the door and they go on for a while, until Calum pulls back to rest his head on Michael’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I’m so happy you’re here,” he says, breathing hard.</p>
<p>“Me too.”</p>
<p>Calum straightens to pull Michael further into the flat, but falters.</p>
<p>“Wait, where’s your stuff?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You’re staying for the whole weekend, right?” Calum asks, then reads something in Michael’s expression. “Oh, I’m an idiot, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“What? No you’re not. What’s happening?”</p>
<p>“I thought you were staying here,” Calum says.</p>
<p>“<em>Oh</em>—”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have thought—”</p>
<p>“Can I?” Michael asks, and knows that it’s probably really stupid but he can’t stop himself.</p>
<p>“Can you stay?”</p>
<p>“I’ll check out of the hotel, I don’t care, I just didn’t think you’d want me.”</p>
<p>“You’re ridiculous,” Calum says, and kisses him again. He pulls back after a long moment, pulling a hand up to Michael’s face. “Please stay with me.”</p>
<p>“I’ll have to get my stuff.”</p>
<p>“Not now, though, okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay—” and then Calum is kissing him again, and his hands are on Michael’s back, and Michael’s arms are around his neck, and they’re stumbling to the couch, locked together like they always kind of have been.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s happening tomorrow?” Michael asks.</p>
<p>It’s later, Michael’s gone to the hotel and come back. He finds Calum sitting up in bed, watching a football game, but not a live one.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“Don’t you have plans with friends or something?” Michael sits next to Calum, back against the headboard. Calum is under the sheets, but Michael stays over them.</p>
<p> “Oh, no. I was going to go for drinks with some teammates, but I cancelled when I found out you were coming.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t have to do that,” Michael says. “I could have found something else to do. Or I could have come with you.”</p>
<p>“I know, but I didn’t want that,” Calum pauses the game and shifts to face Michael.</p>
<p>“I’m not going to ask you what you <em>did</em> want.”  </p>
<p>“Good, because you already know the answer,” Calum smiles.</p>
<p>“Maybe I just don’t want to hear you say it,” Michael jokes, but Calum’s face twists into something that Michael doesn’t recognize.</p>
<p>“What is this, Michael?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You being here, what is it? What does it mean?”</p>
<p>“It’s almost your birthday,” Michael says, checking the clock. “Just a couple more hours. Let’s not talk about it yet, yeah?”</p>
<p>“I’m worried that this means something different to me than it does to you,” Calum says, as if Michael never spoke.</p>
<p>“Not yet, okay? We’ve missed so many birthdays. Please, can we just have this one?”</p>
<p>“We have to talk about it.”</p>
<p>“We will, just not yet. Before I go, we will, I promise,” Michael says.</p>
<p>Calum drops his head and shifts like he’s going to pull away.</p>
<p>“What did you want?” Michael asks, and Calum looks back up involuntarily.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You said that you didn’t want to spend time with your teammates, so what did you want?”</p>
<p>“I though we decided that you already know the answer,” Calum smiles, and Michael knows that he has him.</p>
<p>“Maybe I lied, before. Maybe I do just want to hear you say it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Calum says. Michael leans forward, hands find Calum’s legs and hold them just above the knee.</p>
<p>“Yeah. What did you want, Cal?”</p>
<p>“You,” Calum says, and he pushes forward to crash their lips together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They spend Calum’s birthday how they always spent their birthdays back when they were kids, doing nothing, together.</p>
<p>They order sandwiches for lunch because Calum still has to be kind of healthy, but they order pizza for dinner, because they always do on their birthdays.</p>
<p>They do a lot of talking and a lot of not talking, but they don’t talk about anything that they really need to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael’s still in bed the next day when Calum gets up and starts to get dressed. He’s not wearing a uniform, so Michael assumes that he keeps it at the stadium or changes there. He hasn’t been to a football game since Calum’s when they were in school, and he has no idea how it’s supposed to go.</p>
<p>Michael watches as Calum flits around the room, grabbing things and shoving them in a duffle bag.          </p>
<p>“You could come, you know,” Calum says as he prepares without looking at Michael.</p>
<p>“To the game?”</p>
<p>“If you wanted, yeah,” Calum says, and Michael can see him flush when he hesitates. “You don’t have to, I know you’ve never been into sports—”</p>
<p>“No, I’ll come. I want to come,” Michael says. Calum finally slows, setting the bag on the bed by Michael’s feet.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but I need like ten minutes to get ready. Twenty, maybe.”</p>
<p>Calum smiles. “I have to be there stupid early, just come before the game starts.”</p>
<p>“I can do that.”</p>
<p>“You’ll have to come to the team entrance, I’ll let security know to expect you.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Michael says, and at the mention of security, he remembers that he’s kind of recognizable and that usually he has his own security at big events. He figures that Calum knows this and that everything will be fine, and he doesn’t want to ruin the weekend, so he doesn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you soon,” Calum says as he finally seems to have gathered everything he needs. He leans across the bed to kiss Michael’s cheek which is too domestic, probably, but he’s gone before Michael can say anything, as if he would have ended up saying anything anyways.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael double checks that he’s in the right place before he gets out of the car.</p>
<p>There are a few clumps of people roaming about, all dressed in team merchandise or colours, so Michael assumes that they’re fans. He hadn’t thought to dress like a football fan, so he’ll already stand out, probably, but it’s too late to worry about it, so Michael just keeps his head down as he leaves the car and makes his way to the door.</p>
<p>The security guy at the door nods as Michael approaches, and steps aside to let him in without discussion. Michael hesitates in the hall, already lost in the big concrete tunnels. He’s spent a lot of time in tunnels like these, in arenas and stadiums between soundchecks and shows, especially in the early days, but there’s usually someone with him or signs to direct him.</p>
<p>The security guy notices and gives him directions, pointing him towards some woman’s office who will apparently set him up with a seat right behind the team’s bench. Michael looks for a locker room or something as he makes his way over, hoping to see Calum, but he doesn’t find anything.</p>
<p>He’s led to his seat, by the aisle so he only has to sit near one person, a dude-bro with a beer in each hand, who looks up as Michael sits, but then looks right back to the field in disinterest.</p>
<p>Michael arrived just on time, so he doesn’t wait long before the game starts. He spots Calum immediately, as he’s one of the taller players for his team. He’s running in an easy way, natural and instinctual. He looks comfortable, and he looks good. Michael realizes very quickly that he’s not going to catch much of the game that doesn’t involve Calum.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael disappears into the same tunnel he came from just before the game ends; he thinks he’s gone unnoticed, but he doesn’t want to chance being caught up in the crowd leaving their seats.</p>
<p>He waits leaned up against the wall, watching the players run past the tunnel entrance in blurs of colour before finally hearing the loud buzzer and rousing cheers.</p>
<p>There’s noise for a while, then the players come crashing back through. Calum is the very last of them, and his face splits into a grin when he spots Michael.</p>
<p>“You came.”</p>
<p>“I said I would,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“What did you think?”</p>
<p>“You were amazing.”</p>
<p>Calum laughs. “You still don’t have a clue about football, do you?”</p>
<p>“No,” Michael admits. “But even if I did, I would have had no idea what was happening. I was too busy watching you.”</p>
<p>Someone calls Calum over for a team meeting, and he yells back that he’ll be there in a minute. “Wait for me? I can drive you back, I just need like twenty minutes.”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“I can introduce you that way, anyways.”</p>
<p>“Introduce me?”</p>
<p>“To my friends,” Calum says, like it’s obvious. “To my teammates.”</p>
<p>Okay, so this is real. This is like, really real. “Okay,” Michael says weakly.</p>
<p>Calum grins then ducks sheepishly into the locker room, meeting having already begun. Michael leans back against the wall and tries to convince his heart to shut the fuck up for once, and tries to convince his lungs that they still exist.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Michael makes up an excuse, once they’re back at Calum’s place. Says that there’s some sort of recording issue and that he needs to figure it out with Luke.</p>
<p>“You guys record on Sundays?” Calum asks. They do sometimes. Mostly they don’t, because mostly someone is hungover.</p>
<p>“The music industry is weird,” Michael says as an explanation, because it’s the truth, even if it implies a lie.</p>
<p>Michael steps out of the flat and hides in the stairwell. He miraculously has reception, despite all of the concrete. He calls Luke, and Luke answers on the first ring.</p>
<p>“How’s it going?” Luke asks, clearly working to keep his tone neutral.</p>
<p>“I’m freaking out,” Michael says. He means freaking out in an existential sense rather than a panic sense, which Luke thankfully picks up on and doesn’t ask about.</p>
<p>“What did he do?”</p>
<p>“Nothing! Nothing bad, I mean.”</p>
<p>“So there <em>is</em> a something?”</p>
<p>“He introduced me to his teammates,” Michael says. Luke is quiet for a moment.</p>
<p>“As what?”</p>
<p>“As his friend, but still. He wanted them to meet me.”</p>
<p>“And this is bad?” Luke asks.</p>
<p>“It’s not bad, it’s just – I don’t know what it is. That’s why I’m freaking out.”</p>
<p>“I thought you decided to try it – try letting Calum in again.”</p>
<p>“I did! I am,” Michael sighs. “I just – it’s like it’s he thinks it’s all decided you know?”</p>
<p>“If you just talked to him, I’m sure you’d feel better,” Luke says, annoyingly reasonable.</p>
<p>“You’re supposed to hate him.”</p>
<p>“I’m supposed to support you,” Luke counters. It’s not fair that Luke is being nice now that Michael feels that he needs him to be protective.</p>
<p>“I can’t just talk to him. I don’t know what I want to say.”</p>
<p>“Then what are you doing there, Michael?”</p>
<p>Michael falls silent for a moment. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“You can leave,” Luke says, more in line with what Michael expected. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”</p>
<p>“I want to stay, I just don’t want to think about what happens when I go.”</p>
<p>“You’ve still got tomorrow to decide,” Luke says. “Sleep on it. Get some space.”</p>
<p>Michael doesn’t tell him that he’s staying at Calum’s now, and can’t get space. “Okay, that’s a good idea. I’ll go do that.”</p>
<p>“I’ll keep my volume on though, call me any time.”</p>
<p>“Don’t offer, because I might,” Michael jokes.</p>
<p>“I hope you would,” Luke says, too serious in response, but Michael appreciates it. “If you’re freaking out, if you’re falling apart, I want you to call me.”</p>
<p>“I will, Luke. I always do.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Calum is already out of bed when Michael wakes up in the morning. It’s surprising that it’s not a surprise. Even after all this time, they fall into the same old roles so comfortably.</p>
<p>Michael scrolls through Twitter for a while, but nothing new is happening, so he gets up and finds Calum in the kitchen.</p>
<p>Calum has breakfast ready, table set. It’s nothing too fancy, just British bacon and eggs and toast and fruit. He’s sitting at the table, reading something on his phone, but he looks up and smiles when he heard Michael.</p>
<p>“You cooked?” Michael asks as he takes a seat.</p>
<p>Calum laughs. “You call this cooking? This is nothing. I’ll cook something proper for you for dinner.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to do that,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“I know, I was planning on it anyways, honestly. Way to ruin the surprise.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need surprises—”</p>
<p>“You’re leaving tomorrow,” Calum interrupts.</p>
<p>“I am,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“So let me do something nice. You came all this way just to see me,” Calum reminds him, like he’s still a little bit dumbstruck.</p>
<p>“It was your birthday,” Michael says. “Birthdays are important.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, I’m already figuring out a plan for yours.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They play video games most of the afternoon and Michael shows Calum a couple of demos from the next album. Calum is impressed, makes a jab about how they never would have written something so good with him in the band, which makes Michael go a bit quiet. He follows Calum to the kitchen in the evening though to watch him cook.</p>
<p>Michael has watched Ashton cook a lot, and while Michael still can’t do much for himself, he has an idea of how cooking is supposed to look. Calum is bouncing around the kitchen, comfortable and confident.</p>
<p>“Show off, much?” Michael asks as Calum is pan-searing some salmon.</p>
<p>“Maybe a bit,” Calum says. “I’ve been on my own for so long, and you know how shy I am. I didn’t have much to do when I first moved in, so I watched a lot of cooking shows.”</p>
<p>“And it paid off?”</p>
<p>“I mean, I don’t cook for other people very often, but I’m impressed with myself.”</p>
<p>“It looks impressive,” Michael says. “Smells impressive.”</p>
<p>“Don’t get your hopes <em>too</em> high. It’s just a hobby.”</p>
<p>“Much more practical than video games,” Michael says.</p>
<p>Calum laughs. “I probably would’ve stuck with video games instead if I was any better at them.”</p>
<p>“You’re good,” Michael says, but now that he thinks of it, he’s not sure. He doesn’t remember what Calum played on his own when they were teenagers, and he’d never thought to ask, now.</p>
<p>“No, you’re good. You carry me when we play together, you just haven’t noticed.”</p>
<p>“You can’t compare yourself to me, I’m an extreme example.”</p>
<p>“That’s true, and you always have been,” Calum says.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They eat at Calum’s table, set with placemats and proper cutlery and even a few candles. It’s all very adult of them, and Michael really wants to love it.</p>
<p>They talk about their parents and Mali and they talk about absolutely nothing at all.</p>
<p>When silence falls, Calum looks at Michael, and Michael can feel the questions from across the table. Michael looks down at his plate and thinks up a new topic.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite how much Michael still knows about Calum, he can’t tell if he’s asleep.</p>
<p>It’s late, but Michael refuses to check the clock. They’re lying in bed on their backs, facing the ceiling. Michael can never sleep on his back, and he wonders if Calum remembers.</p>
<p>“We didn’t talk about it,” Calum says suddenly, voice low and tentative. He doesn’t shift in bed, and Michael can’t look over to see if his eyes are open. He won’t.</p>
<p>“I know,” Michael says.</p>
<p>“I don’t know—” Calum trails off and exhales.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I can’t say it.”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“It’s too far,” Calum breathes.</p>
<p>“I think we’re past too far,” Michael says. Calum hums in acknowledgement, but he doesn’t speak. “Please, Calum. Just say it.”</p>
<p>“But—”</p>
<p>“I won’t be able to go if I don’t know. It’ll drive me crazy.”</p>
<p>Calum breathes, and Michael waits. It takes him a long few moments, but Michael finally feels Calum shift. “I don’t know if I can handle losing you again.”</p>
<p>Michael could tell Calum that he’s not losing him, that they’ll still text and call and visit. He could tell Calum that it’s his fault anyways, and that he has no right to ask anything of Michael. He could, and maybe he should, but he doesn’t.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Michael says instead. He hears rustling on the pillow next to his and knows that Calum is nodding.</p>
<p>“I thought so,” Calum says. It sounds weaker than he probably means it to.</p>
<p>“I didn’t think it would be like this,” Michael admits to himself as much as he admits it to Calum. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Mike,” Calum breathes, and suddenly there are fingers twined with his, and there’s a hand on his chest. “It’s okay.”</p>
<p>Michael shakes his head and he feels a wetness on his temple. It doesn’t even occur to him that he’s crying until he feels fingers brushing it away.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Calum repeats. “Just breathe.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t want—”</p>
<p>“I know,” Calum says. “I know.”</p>
<p>“But you’re—”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine. I’m fine.” There are hands on Michael’s face, and his head is turning, and suddenly he’s staring Calum right in the eyes. “It’s okay.”</p>
<p>Michael tips forward to press his forehead to Calum’s. “I really do still love you.”</p>
<p>“I love you too,” Calum says. “No part of me ever stopped.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Michael says again. Calum shakes his head against his.</p>
<p>“You have nothing to be sorry for.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”</p>
<p>“Any hurt is all on me,” Calum says.</p>
<p>“It’s not,” Michael mumbles. “Maybe it was, but now it’s not.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Calum says, but he says it in a way that tells Michael that he disagrees. “I’m happy you came anyways.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Michael says. “I’m happy too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ashton and Luke are still at the studio when Michael gets to their house, so he lets himself in with his spare key and makes himself at home right in the middle of their bed.</p>
<p>He falls in and out of sleep for a while, or maybe his brain just manages to shut itself off for once. He’s jet lagged and exhausted and his mind is somehow blank and full at the same time.</p>
<p>He hears Ashton and Luke come home at some point, hears them talking and laughing and putting things down. Michael stays burrowed under the blankets, not asleep, but something like it.</p>
<p>He hears footsteps up the stairs in slow motion, the bedroom door opening, and then a sudden, massive silence. It lasts hours and it lasts a split second, and Michael is frozen.</p>
<p>“Luke,” Ashton says.</p>
<p>“What?” Luke calls up from down the stairs.</p>
<p>“Come here.”</p>
<p>There’s no more questioning, no arguing. More footsteps echo around Michael’s head, until he has long fingers brushing through his hair, scratching gently at his scalp. He has soft words breathed into the space beside his ear, but he doesn’t make out what they are. He has a big hand rubbing his back, smooth except for a cool, hard band on a fourth finger.</p>
<p>“You were right,” Michael says. He sounds better than he should, somehow. He sounds steady, if a little rough from the airplane air. “You were right, Luke. You were right.”</p>
<p>“We’re here,” Luke says, words punching and kicking their way into Michael’s head. “We’re still here. We’re always here.”</p>
<p>Michael nods and now his face is in Luke’s chest, and now Ashton’s arms are around his waist.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Michael,” Luke says.</p>
<p>“Me too,” Michael says. “I’m sorry too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>come talk to me on tumblr at <a href="https://calumsclifford.tumblr.com/">calumsclifford</a>! thank you for reading and for sticking with this story, i will make no promises of consistency but i will promise to try to keep up with it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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